5 Faces I’m Getting Sick of Looking At


Celebrity is a curious thing in society.  Even for myself I can barely walk ten feet without random women throwing their underwear at me and screaming my name before fainting.  The life of a writer and podcaster can often times be wrought with such fame and glory the likes of which David Lee Roth could only dream about.  So yes…I understand fame. I also understand that every now and then we need a break from the barrage of celebrity garbage that haunts us when we just want to get through the grocery lineup.  We take people who have neither mutant powers nor any special gift, and bestow upon them more attention than a room full of crying infants.   So here is my Monday morning rant about 5 people who have received way, way too much attention.

Angelina Jolie

My first encounter with Angelina was Tomb Raider…a the movie was about as fantastic as any complete piece of crap could be.  My next dose was with Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which was another highly overblown film.  Now I’m not saying she’s a bad actress.  No, no, no…I’m just saying she’s not a memorable one.  Not even close.

I’m also confused by how everyone seems to imply she’s the apex of beauty.  True, she’s not a gutter hobo.  But a thousand dollar makeover can make darn near anyone smoking hot.  And then there’s the dolphin lips that are inflated to 32 psi…

The tabloids also have their naturally unbiased angles on her personal character.  First, she’s obviously a home-wrecker right?  And by golly we love it when happy rich people live messed up lives!  Secondly, she has adopted Africa.  Seriously.  My World Vision kid sent a picture and on the mantle behind him was a picture a Angelina with the words “Mom” written on it.  Who knew?

Kim Kardashian

With a face on every single magazine that looks as if she’s on a strict diet of Horny Goat Weed, Kim Kardasian is the quitisential example of someone being a celebrity for no reason other than just being a celebrity.   With a personality profile that could best be described as Paris Hilton Lite, Kim is on every second magazine cover for the sole purpose of hoping the mentally retarded will purchase the rag.

Kim takes the advances of feminism and throws it back a few hundred years as she portrays women in much the same way as a cow at an auction.   At best she provides inspiration for every young and talentless socialite who aspires to be a popular whoreOooh, did that sound harsh? Well I’ve had to look at her “do-me for a pack of cigarettes” face for what seems like a hundred times this week so cut me some slack.  Yes, that FACE!!!…it’s the same stupid pose!!!

There’s a high possibility that her one-pose-mug is merely photoshopped onto multiple bodies like my totally authentic picture of me duck hunting with JFK and Elvis.   That makes this even more terrifying.  Somewhere out there is the real Kim Kardasian who is hiding…like Bigfoot.

Justin Bieber

Like him or hate him, you really have to respect the kid for what he’s accomplished.  So I’m not going to just hate-on the runt because he took hold of the American dream by singing “baby baby” over and over again.  My era went crazy with the pre-white Michael Jackson, so I understand hype and especially the need to sell an image to young impressionable girls.  But it’s the young, impressionable boys that are really starting to freak me right the heck out.

Really, it’s not only Justin I’m totally sick of seeing.  It’s all of his clones.

Flat bowl cut hair, tight pants borrowed for their younger sisters closet, a “me-so-sensitive” expression, and a body that looks like it gets by on a diet of prunes and laxatives is pretty much the mental image of what a eunuch should look like.   Were I to invoke Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs, there is obviously some payoff for his many genetic doubles which I’m assuming is of a heterosexual nature.  This makes me grieve for the future repopulation of the human race as we are taking our prime females and preparing them to mate with the weakest among us.  It’s like line breeding a Timber Wolf down to a Shitzu.

Jennifer Aniston

I’m sure she’s a wonderful person despite wanting to tear Angelina Jolie limb from limb and feed her maggot eaten remains to rabid badgers.  I mean, that’s what she wants to do right?  Surely the smut-rag magazines don’t lie?

What I know about Jennifer Aniston couldn’t fill a thimble.  All I know is that her post-Friends acting career has been less than stellar.  Come on, when you wind up in an Adam Sandler movie, things couldn’t get a lot worse.  But all that aside, you’d be hard pressed to see a picture of her and NOT a scowling, angry, and heavily Photoshopped face of Angelina Jolie looking back at her.  Sigh, poor Jennifer still loves Brad Pitt! Or so we’re told.  I really don’t care.

My theory?  If you brought up Brad’s name to Jennifer’s face she’d cold-cock you right in the eye with a brass knuckle.  You think we’re sick of hearing it?  Imagine what she has to deal with!  My infallible male-intuition tells me that she’s very much over it and would very much like everyone to simply go away and die.

Donald Trump

Never has so much been said about so little.  Donald Trump and his infamous robotic hairpiece Dr. Theopolis have done more to make Americans loathe the rich more than if the ENRON executive board drowned a bag of kittens in oil just for kicks.

I have to believe that his whole notion of a possible presidential run is also a joke.  It has to be. From what I understand he donates to the Democrats, but maybe his hairpiece is just signing checks in his name.   Either way the whole situation regarding Obama’s birth certificate was a pathetic display and Trump never could comprehend that he was not the Jester.  He was the joke.

Were Donald to ever become president, America would certainly have a wild ride before flying off the tracks.  Assuming he’ll run the country like he runs his real estate properties, America would just bet everything on Blackjack and try not to go bankrupt.

In between writing, podcasting and playing his electric guitar “Mary Ann”, the Dysfunctional Parrot can be found terrifying paparazzi by randomly killing them and hiding in their skin.

© 2011 – 2015, John Paul Parrot. All rights reserved.

About Author

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.