in 5 THINGS, FROM THE CAGE
Social media is a strange thing that I readily admit I do not entirely comprehend. On the one side I despise everything it represents: narcissism and reclusiveness. Yet I also understand that I am a narcissistic, reclusive person. In the end it’s probably a perfect fit so rather than fight it, I should simply embrace the dark side.
The need to keep a site healthy these days starts by staying connected with all you hip young dude and dudettes out there who like to get down wit’ Twitter and the Facebookin‘ y’know. And if it’s one thing I know, the Dysfunctional Parrot is no square.
Knowing this, I suppose it was high time to actually have a Facebook Page for the site. But in doing this I have to acquire a heavy dose of humility because the initial LIKE COUNT of any new page is zero. Big. Fat. Zero. So for a time I’m going to look even more pathetic than I probably already am.
So rather than wallow in misery, I instead I present the top perfectly reasonable excuses to go ahead and LIKE the new DP Facebook Page©…
At 1000 Followers, I will publicly bite the head off a chicken
No, probably not. At least not after watching my grandmother chew the meat off chicken necks.
But if enough people join then perhaps in time contests can become a regular occurrence. Like free t-shirts and only $24.99 for shipping as an example. My buddy who lives in a van down by the river occasionally gets a crate of shirts that floats ashore and we thought HEY!…lets use them for the site! Seriously, who couldn’t use a spare t-shirt to soak up the occasional blood stains after a crazy night nobody can remember, am I right?
The Dysfunctional Parrot is BETTER than family
Good news, I actually have a personal Facebook page outside of the new DP one. Even BETTER NEWS…you’re not invited. That means you won’t have to look at me, my kids, my family, vacations, juniors first poop, or anything that even my own dear sweet mother couldn’t give a crap about.
If your family gatherings are anything like mine, it usually heats up when I casually mention that the socio-political convictions of my in-laws are full of crap and that they should consider a colonic irrigation to wash their silly thoughts away. I guess some people take offense to that sort of conversation. But fear not. The DP Facebook Page© will instead be a refuge for those seeking escape from the shackles of family bonding.
Who did I vote for? None of your business. That means you won’t have any posts that hold Ron Paul as the Patron St. of politics, Obama as the Savior of Washington, or Rush Limbaugh as anything close to a decent human being. I don’t care about your political views and you certainly don’t care about mine.
The Dysfunctional Parrot LIKES “Guns”
Fitness ”guns” that is.
Over half the followers on this site are big into the fitness reviews, so naturally the DP Facebook Page© will have updates in the world of fitness such as new programs, my custom workout schedules ( P90X, Insanity, Asylum, etc. ), and updates about related posts on this site. No, it will not feature random videos of women in leg-warmers doing the 20 Minute Workout. I like physical fitness the way I like my coffee. Extreme.
The Dysfunctional Parrot HATES cute
How many times a week do you get pictures or videos in your News Feed of squirrels on waterskis, a sad kitten that made you a cookie but “eated it” or some lame tear-jerker moment of insipid happiness like a dog that traveled a thousand miles to find its master? Probably a lot.
So yeah, I hate cute. I once got arrested for going on a psychotic rampage and trashing the Care Bear section at Toys R Us ( little demonic bastards ). If I post any videos for the sole purpose of giving you your daily does of “Awwwwww!!”, then feel free to abandon me in a pit of despair.
RSS Feeds are for loooooosers
In the past the primary resource for subscribing to this site was an RSS Feed. Then it dawned on me. Who the $#@% uses an RSS feed anymore?? After a ritual washing and a period of fasting and repentance, I have now made subscribers life easier. By choosing to LIKE the DP Facebook Page© you will get updates on posts and contests all in your News Feed.
Or you can keep torturing yourself with Feedburner. Your call.
The Dysfunctional Parrot keeps posts RELEVANT
What am I doing right now? None of your dang business so I have no intention of telling you. Especially on Facebook. Is today a great day that the Lord has made? No doubt, but I’m not going to irritate you by saying so on a day you have to go to a crummy job and also just got the bill for the kids braces. My happiness…or lack thereof…is of no concern to anyone. I’m not here to spam you with my observations on life. That’s a job for your family. Ha!
Come to think of it, joining the Dysfunctional Parrot Facebook Page© is probably the only logical reason to use Facebook at all.
© 2012, Dysfunctional Parrot. All rights reserved. No reproduction of written material is permitted.
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