5 Reasons Why Disney Now Owning Star Wars is Awesome


I can hear the whimpering from the Lucas faithful all the way up here in Canada.  Like a herd of bleating cultists moaning over the death of their master, they irritate my ears.  But before I go further let it be stated that I too am a Star Wars enthusiast of my youth.  Today however, I could barely give a rats ass about it considering the joke it has become.  But lest I get ahead of myself, I present the 5 top reasons why Star Wars being sold to Disney is just so many flavors of awesome…

#5.  No More Super Special New and Improved Editions

Want to get a Blueray of the original, UNEDITED version without bloated CGI effects thrown in and no Haden Christensen at the end of Jedi?  Tough.  That day would never come under Lucas because his OCD wouldn’t allow him to leave the footage alone for five minutes.  No doubt it wouldn’t have been long before a Jar Jar cameo was dropped into A New Hope as a not so subtle face-slap to the fans.  Disney however may take a different approach as they seem to be open to giving the people what they want, especially if they’ll pay for it.

#4.  Disney will over-saturate market?  That ship has sailed long ago.

The only way Disney could further saturate the toy market with Star Wars crap is if they backed a forklift of Jar-Jar Binks dolls onto half of America’s doorsteps.  At this stage I don’t know if Disney also has bought the toy-rights from Hasbro, so this might well be a moot point anyway.

#3. Critics saying Disney will create stupid characters?  Hello pot.  Meet Mr. Kettle.

If the prequels could be summed up in one sentence it would be BAD plot infused with BAD characters that nobody gave a crap about.  For some reason the whole prequel saga focused on Anakin being dumber than a sack of wet mice The big-bad Senator Palpatine’s intentions couldn’t be more obvious if he posted a sticky note on Yoda’s CGI wrinkled head saying “Yeah, it’s me.  I did it all”, and that friggin’ child actor makes my skin crawl.  Plus, we’re told throughout all movie that the Dark Side is not stronger.   Yet ONE guy takes down the whole Jedi order with a less effort than it took Jack and the girls to fool Mr. Furley.

Here’s where Disney could shine.  If their handling of Marvel super heroes is any indication, they know how to let a franchise have breathing room and be faithful to its roots.  And they can do that by hiring decent actors and directors.  In fact, it could be argued that since Disney bought Marvel, we have had some of the most amazing cinematic displays.  You might have heard of a little movie called The Avengers?

#3.  Disney wants to make more movies.  Bonus: WITHOUT Lucas.

If this isn’t a good thing then clearly I’m unfit to roam freely in society.

The main reason the prequels were so gawd-awful is that Lucas micro-managed the whole affair from the moment he came up with characters to the point he ate a box of bran muffins and excreted out the plot.  Nobody wanted to get in his way because well…that meant no paycheck.   The outcome was a disjointed crap-fest where otherwise good actors were not allowed to act, but rather stick to a juvenile script that to this day experienced anthropologists still cannot interpret.  The reason Empire rocked is because the actors had a say in the dialogue.

Disney takes a different approach.  And while it can be argued they might make a “movie by committee”, I fail to see how that can be any worse than a “movie-by-one”.

You can crown Lucas king all you want, but the fact remain the BEST movie, Empire Strikes Back, is also the one he had the least involvement with.  And Star Wars was a success because Lucas wasn’t big enough to push his weight around and inject royally dumb ideas.  And Return of the Jedi?  One word.  Ewoks.

#1. When the horse is dead, get a new horse.

The prequels put a bullet through the zombie skull of the Star Wars franchise.  Yes…they made money…BUT can anyone tell me what the plot was?  Something about a Trade Federation run by Japanese aliens, comic relief by Jamaican aliens, a Jewish slave owner,  an annoying white child actor and a tragedy nobody cared about.  Did I also mention a terrible romance, and a protagonist many couldn’t wait to see boiled in lava?  How about a temple of Jedi too stupid to be allowed to continue living?

J.J.Abrams recently did a total reboot of Star Trek and for all purposes it was completely freaking awesome.  The same could be said for Star Wars.  Flush the mutha down the toilet ( flush twice, it’s a big one ) and start over I say!  Or better yet…make sequels where we don’t already know the outcome.  Did Luke restore the Jedi order?  What about Han and Leia’s kids?  A regrouping of the Empire’s remnants?  If anything, Disney has option paralysis as the choices are endless.

© 2012 – 2015, Dysfunctional Parrot. All rights reserved. No reproduction of written material is permitted.

About Author

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

  • Boony

    #3 won the argument for me…