REVIEW: Dr. OZ 3-Day Cleanse

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For those unfamiliar with Dr. Oz, he is another cybernetic life-form unleashed buy Oprah Winfrey much like Dr. Phil only less irritating and with more hair.  However, unlike Dr. Phil he seems to have pretty good things to say about our food choices and is blessed with the ability to have a last name with only two letters which makes him perfect for those coming out of the American education system.  Some days I wonder if he would be so popular if his handle was something like Dr. Horkelwitz.

dr_frank

I also wish every second e-mail wasn’t some spammer sending me stuff on the Dr. Oz diet of the day.  Makes me want to despise the man by proxy but for the purpose of this review I’ll hold back with my wrath on viral marketing.

So here’s the situation: Driving twelve solid hours on boring prairie roads in a minivan with 4 kids and holding back my sleep reflex with gallons of over-caffeinated Starbucks coffee.  At the end of the day, any detox is better than overpriced burnt horse urine flowing through my veins.

coffeetoxic

The Plan:

Enjoy your liquid lunches, because it’s all about drinks and shakes.

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The meals are the same each day, so even the mentally challenged cleaning staff at the North Battleford Travelodge could figure it out ( I’m not bitter ).

Day 1

Day one is a snap.  Fill your pack full of shakes and fill the workroom fridge.  Don’t worry, nobody will take them.  The breakfast shake will resemble a stool sample and the nooner meal will look like some green fluid that was left in the fridge since the Clinton era.  I recommend printing out a bio-hazard sticker and putting them on the jars to keep even the most adventurous snack thief at bay.

bioshake

This is the best day of them all as your body will truly thank you for the immense load of power foods in lieu of the unmitigated slop you have been consuming.  At the end of the day you’ll have lightning in your veins that you’ve never known.  You’ll do a hundred pushups and finally make sweet, sweet love to your wife.  You’ll feel great, and she’ll be astonished at your prowess.

superreeve

Day 2

I WILL RIP ALL YOUR HEARTS OUT AND FEED THEM TO MY CAT!!!!!   RAGE VIRUS!!!!

Ok, this will probably be the most difficult day because lets face it, caffeine withdrawal takes a couple days to kick in.  The mysterious concoction of Starbucks coffee even more so.  So it is here I’d say give yourself a break.  Did you flip the bird to some idiot in traffic?  Relax!  Did you then cut that car off and send it flying off an embankment?  Don’t beat yourself up about it…it’s detox day!

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Day 3

FLESHHHHH!!!!!  I CRAVE THE SUCCULENT FLESH OF UNICORNS!!

unicornmeat

This is the day my head was starting to have odd thoughts.  Thoughts like “What if Han Solo was a Jedi?” or Why do people who love karate always come to my site to put the hate on ( I love you all!!  Your hate feeds me!! ) were creeping into my cerebral cortex like door crashers.  Another predominant thought was “What the Sam Hell does Starbucks really put in their coffee anyway??”  The good news is that I was also able to achieve greater control of my appetite cravings which started me down a more fruitful path to better physical fitness.  Sometimes you have to break the cycle and this definitely did that, even if it meant brief moments of clinical insanity.

CONCLUSION

Now that I look back on the three days where I alienated what little friends I had and proceeded to yell at my decaf coffee like it was conspiring against me ( hint: It was.  Long story… ) I can say that the detox was indeed a good idea.  And I’m not even a guy who eats fast food at all anymore and lives a pretty squeaky clean eating predominately vegetarian lifestyle.  I feel more focused and my body was able to remove at least a small amount of the caffeinated radioactive toxicity that flowed through my veins like comic superhero.

firestorm

If you’re new to the idea of a cleanse, I highly recommend the Dr. Oz 3 Day Cleanse even if it sounds a little campy.  It’s a good gateway to a healthier lifestyle because even despite my sarcastic banter, I really did appreciate the post vacation flush from the crud I was living on.  So do yourselves a favor and try it out because it is one of those things you truly can’t go wrong with.

© 2013 – 2015, Dysfunctional Parrot. All rights reserved. No reproduction of written material is permitted.

About Author

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.