Let’s settle this right here, right now…iOS vs. Android.  For the debate today we have not a couple of useless reporters worthy of death, but rather two bonafide IT professionals: the Dysfunctional Parrot and Shawzbear.  So lets settle the debate once and for all like real men…by using every dirty insult available.

parrot_appPARROT: Face it, at the end of the day Apple just makes the whole product and as such has unmatched software/hardware integration.  If you want the best, you don’t buy Android. If you want certainty that your device will run the full capabilities of its OS then you don’t buy Android.  If you want seamless integration with your home devices then Great Caesars Ghost…don’t buy Android.  And if you want cutting edge, not a cheap knockoff, then right now Apple alone has the one ring to rule them all.

That doesn’t mean I think Android shouldn’t exist however!  For everyone that desires the reliable Toyota of tablets then Apple is always there.  But for everyone else, feel free to use the Ford Pinto of tablets/phones such as whatever random manufacturer of the day who is making Android compatible devices.  Misguided people such as Shawzbear for example who seem content driving a beater and don’t mind being laughed at by children.

shawz-andSHAWZBEAR:  To quote the great Dan Akroyd, Parrot…you ignorant slut.

You Sheeple make Scientology seem rational!  Google has been doing full suite integration for a long long time…heard of Google Drive, or Google Docs….maybe even Gmail?  Apple has some good integration sure, but you need an overpriced Apple TV, and a overpriced laptop or tablet to go with don’t want Apple?  Too freaking bad, they’ve locked everything else out!!

And the reason you hipster Apple fanboys are so hated by the rest of the rational world is that you constantly claim you have the best hardware, but have NO idea what you’re talking about!  Pinto?   Suck it Parrot, the Nexus 10 has 2560 by 1600 resolution (vs ipad 2048X1536), dual 1.7Ghz processors (vs ipad dual 1.3Ghz A6), twice the ram (2Gb vs 1Gb) and…oh yeah, its a FULL 100 DOLLARS CHEAPER!

It IS true that for every Nexus 10, there is Acer 100..but thats part of the beauty of being open…not everyone on the planet NEEDS a top of the line 500 dollar tablet.  Apple wants you to shell out 500 or more to be in their club…and don’t even get me started on their “mini”…good gravy, I’ve seen better displays on etch a sketches..and it’s STILL 300+ dollars.

And seamless integration?  Anyone out there buy a iPod touch 4?  Or a iphone 3GS?  What are the 2 years old, if that? Oh, I’m sorry…you can use those still, if you want….YOU JUST CAN’T INSTALL ANYTHING ANYMORE! Please shell out another 500 or so, so you can hang out with your unwashed, Prius driving hipster friends again…for a month or so, until we launch the iPhone 5S.  And you’ll buy it.  You always buy it.

parrot_appPARROT:  You insolent Gaigin dog!!  Your very words betray your foul stench of ignorance when you admit that Apple is the top of the line.  And the reason for that has nothing to do with processor speed or tech specs.  It’s content and integration.  Content is why the Zune is swimming with Jimmy Hoffa.  Integration is why Airplay with AppleTV rules and a Roku box is a turd.  I admit, Google has great integration on a software level.  But hardware?  Bah!  Not even close because thats not their strength.  That’s why even products like the iPad-mini work despite their obvious shortcomings.  Having said that, the mini is still a Version 1 product.  Treat it as such.

Yes, Google has great products.  I too use GMail and Google Drive.  And people jumped to Google Maps despite the fact it got people lost in the Australian outback just as often!   So feel free to install them on your iDevice and rock and roll.  Google makes more money supporting iDevices than the entire Android line, so they have a vested interest in giving Apple users good apps.

A big reason some Android devices might need the additional horsepower you so praise is to handle all the Malware and crap they accumulate.  This is something Apple has yet to have due to the control over the hardware/software integration.  Android can never have this level of security so face it kids, you’ll be buying expensive anti-virus software for your devices now just like you must do with Windows.  Don’t know about you, but the idea of having malware on my phone is a little disconcerting.

And let’s talk hardware.  Yes, the Nexus 10 has a bitchin’ resolution, but in real world usage you’d need to be Hawkeye to notice the difference.  But let’s dig deeper!  The most overlooked item is the GPU.  That’s why the iPad 4 frame-rate knocks the hoo-haas off the Nexus 10 ( 42fps vs 26fps ).  But that’s exactly my point!  Apple knows how to take advantage of every aspect of their hardware and thus can run a faster OS despite having a slower CPU on paper and half the memory.  Android needs the extra goods to operate their bloated code and it still is not as snappy and hardware compatibility is all over the board!  Read my lips you dirty Philistine: Integration.

shawz-andSHAWZBEAR:  You poor poor brainwashed, turtleneck worshipping avian creature you…hardware doesn’t matter?  You sound like the teenager with the Fiero, even though the transmission is held on by a single bolt, “it’s got a bitchin’ stereo!” (And wicked spinners)

Its so easy for Apple fanboys to write off mistakes as “Version 1”..the next one will be better, we promise!  Does Crapple not believe in beta testing…oh thats right, they’ve got millions of clones who will buy anything Apple sells to do it for them!  And it’s not that there isn’t room for an entry level ipad…but 300+ dollars!?!?  For 1024X768 resolution?  I just bought a kids camera from Walmart that had better resolution…and didn’t shatter the second you looked at it.  The Nexus 7 has better resolution the same processor specs, and is priced 150 dollars cheaper….and came out almost 6 months earlier! Hows that for innovation?

Don’t like the base OS running on your Android device?  There’s an entire community of Android users who create custom ROMS which offer an almost unlimited variety of features and customizations.  Don’t like it when Apple removes a feature, or makes it’s OS run like a Alabamian on a 5k on earlier devices ( I’m looking at you IOS 5! ).  Too bad Grandpa!  Best go shell out another $500 so you can use your “integration” like you use to..Thats why the only clear choice for “power” users is Android.  You want customization options and the ability to tweak the OS to provide the best experience its the only option.

(Drops the mic, walks away….)

parrot_appPARROT:  You leave Pontiac Fieros out of this!!!!! Bah!  The best Android device will always have one fatal flaw: it runs Android.  It’s an island unto itself whereas Apple has an ecosystem.  Have a Mac and an AppleTV?  You’re totally interconnected.  Have Windows and Android?  You’ve got patchwork solutions that may work.  They may not.  You figure it out.

And don’t speak to me of customization you son of an Albanian midget.  Customizing Android means one thing…you’ll probably break it.  You can hack and customize iOS just as easily using Jailbreak software.  The problem is that it’s just not worth the time and the awesome enhancements in iOS 6 make the whole endeavor irrelevant.

And unlike a “fanboy”, I admit Apple has had a fair share of duds like the G4 cube.  But in terms of business, the iPad-mini was all about creating a new product line and everyone knows the next version will pack a Retina display.  Would I buy one at this stage?  No, and for the same reasons I wouldn’t have bought a 1st Gen iPad either.  Yet even then it still wins because it runs iOS and has integration with other iOS devices.  But comparing the mini to a full-on Android device is not a fair comparison of products.  A Galaxy 3 vs an iPhone 5 however…even PC Magazine gives Apple the win.

And I love how the cult of Android loves to mention open-source.  Since it is so awesome a concept can we assume they’re all running Linux at home?  Fact is that the very same people praising open source on their Android devices are the exact same who operate Windows or God forbid, Windows 8.  But little do these dolts know that Android’s days of open source are over.  It was only open until it became popular and now Google and Andy Rubin in particular, are shutting that show down.  Google is reasserting control and thus anyone proclaiming Android as truly open are lying hypocrites in possession of a cheap knockoff.  And yes, you can customize the appearance of an iDevice just fine using an App, so I don’t know why Androidites are so convinced you cannot.  Maybe absent-minded Android loving turtleneck-haters like Shawbear need to eat their Ginko Biloba.

shawz-andSHAWZBEAR:  I’ll have you know my mother was extremely tall for an Albanian…would have been on the national basketball team too, but we were from a very poor village, couldn’t afford the shoes…..

Anyways, there’s a huge distinction between changing your background theme with an app, and changing the ROM.  One lets you tweak performance for the phone, right down to the governors on the processors…and the other lets you put pictures of Mrs. Parrot and the kids on your phone backdrop.  Guess which one is underwhelming! (Hint, its the one the unshaven hipsters are writing their screen play on in the Starbucks).

And the comparison of the mini to the Nexus 7 couldn’t be any more valid: both were 1st run 7 inch tablets and both were flagship attempts to entice the casual user to buy a tablet that they probably don’t need.  So if the iPad mini wasn’t ready for prime time, why is it available to buy?  Because Apple cares more about making the bucks than creating an “innovative” product anymore!!  If they are going to eventually make a retina display mini, why not wait until then to release it!?!  And why is only 100 or so dollars cheaper than the full blown iPad?  The Android platform is much more cost effective, truly a company for the people, by the people….which is why they track everything I do…ok, that may be a bad example…

And PC magazine?  Really man?? Those brain trusts couldn’t count to 10 if you duct taped a exchange student to their arm! That’s they same company that gave the Microsoft Surface 4 stars…and that travesty was only a couple of locusts short of a plague….seriously, that thing couldn’t be any uglier if it was the love child of Roseanne Barr and Joe Biden.  I hear for every one of those Microsoft makes, an angel not only loses it’s wings, it gets violated with a shoehorn.

Seriously, that thing could have turned mother Teresa to drink, and John Goodman to weight watchers.

parrot_appPARROT:  Looks like we can certainly agree on both trumping the Windows 8 OS.  An operating system that is almost as hideous to look at as it is to operate.  But will it chew into Apple/Android sales over time and be another XBox or become the next Zune?  If sales numbers are any indication, it’s about as well recieved as Ecoli.

But that’s a debate for another time…!

© 2012 – 2015, John Paul Parrot. All rights reserved.

About Author

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.