The Royal Tour and Beautiful Rich People


If it’s one thing that can be said about the Royal visit to Canada it’s this: We love rich attractive people. They’re certainly better to gaze upon than two starstruck NASCAR fans sitting on a couch with a deluxe box of pork-rinds giving each other the signal that its time to “get busy”.

For the remaining few of humanity that fantasize about princesses and princes, people like William and Kate feed the deluded dream that out there somewhere is someone living the fairy tale and that maybe a young couple is enjoying the rich perks of royalty and dancing in the halls while we instead try and woo our spouse with a discount fondue set and Velveeta cheese.

In reality these people put their pants on one leg at a time just like you and me.  Only instead of old Levi 501’s they have pants made from magical Fairy Godmothers who have the power to turn rats into servants.  And while me and you battle traffic on the interstate to get to our cubicle, Prince William must slay dragons on a daily basis in order to prove his worthiness to the throne.  I even heard that Kate once had to hide in the woods with seven midgets until the fury of the Queen subsided.  Ha!  Just could never satisfy the fury of the Queen.  But these are just the minor differences that separate us from the British Royalty.

The idea of a monarchy itself is a strange practice these days.  True, until recently my knowledge of the British WAS limited.  That is until I watched two seasons of Dr. Who, so now I’m extremely qualified to make my observations about this amazing culture.  One, the women perceived as good looking are indeed attractive.  And two, all men seem to have messed up teeth which is never held against them.

Now lest you think I am ranting against societies perception of beauty left me say, as the British do, tish-pishah-nonsense.  I stand here and admit that I too am one of the privileged few to be gifted with stunning boyish good looks, so I understand the burden upon which other equally gifted people such as myself are cursed to bear.  I wonder indeed how many of you guessed that the hidden face of the Dysfunctional Parrot could model underwear and had a cleft in his chin so awesome you could park a bike in it.  Sort of like a fearless Harvey Dent of “investigative sarcasm”.

When things get all messed up is when we love attractive people at the expense of any other attribute…like for example relevance to the intellectual betterment of humanity.  Social curiosities like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton are an excellent examples of how many idolize youth and attractiveness above every other quality.  It says a lot when a rare copy of Einstein’s original works go for less at an auction than a used dress from Jennifer Lopez.

But in all fairness to William and Kate, they’re probably a cut above these celebrity low lives.  Kate could probably have a decent conversation about global politics while that Kardashian broad couldn’t find a conversational topic that didn’t involve shoes.  And William to his credit did some military service, has some manners and is well spoken which probably makes him a more tolerable individual than Jersey Shore douche-bag “Situation”.  And of course, his mother was also a classy person which also helps his image.

Our worship of royalty stems from a need that all living things have.  The desire to prefer the brightest, the loudest or the tallest.  I guess it’s good we have them around so we at least try and hold some level of class and charm ( whether authentic or not ) to humanity.  Otherwise we’d just lower the bar and worship some other inferior level of degenerate who tries to imitate the flash but comes short on substance.

So welcome William and Kate to Canada from yours truly, the Dysfunctional Parrot.   Thank you once again for being rich and not having deformed earlobes or some other minor imperfection so that you are easy to love.  Because ugly people are so difficult to even look at, let alone put on magazine covers and sell for double the regular cover price.  We, your humble servants only ask that you make your Special Edition Royal Wedding© merchandise available to us at a discount.

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About Author

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.