You may not believe it, but I’m actually a trend-setter. The revelation came after weeks of investigative reporting, and I have some shocking news to report: I am the only person left on earth without a tattoo. That and the fact I’ve never watched a single episode of LOST. If Moses were still around, he’d probably give me a fist bump and a high five just before we sat down for a Leviticus 19:28 Bible study while drinking fresh brewed coffee flowing from a rock. Word up ( that’s what you kids are saying these days right? ).
Sure, that may be a little melodramatic, but think about how few people you know who don’t have a freaking ink-stain branded into them. That number is getting smaller every day isn’t it?
Thus, this is the top five most overused, cookie-cutter, and downright blatant displays of mass marketed non-conformity. All of this is backed up with highly sophisticated, scientific data. It’s so sophisticated that you wouldn’t understand, so trust me on this okay?
1- The Barbwire. There must be some law that if you happen to own a Honda Civic with a thrush muffler modification, then you get a free barbwire tattoo. Generally seen around the biceps, the tattoo is used to display “Alpha Male” prowess by drawing attention to the arms. Thus, before considering this any male may want to consider a gym membership, or merely eat enough bumble-berry pie until his arms inflate with pure gelatinous girth. The barbwire tattoo also is not complete without the required baseball cap. On backwards of course.
2- The Tramp Stamp. Almost always seen with a barbwire tattooed male, the tramp stamp is destined to be the horrible regret of every young woman cursed with bad judgement. Should you be a shapely young lady with one of these, you are destined to never again exceed your daily caloric intake lest your backside wings give you the resemblance of a flying pig. This choice in body art will look good for approximately…no, wait…it will never look good. Sorry, but your odds of bringing home a well adjusted medical student to Mom and Dad just dropped exponentially.
3- The Princess. Awww, she’s got a cute little heart on her ankle. The “Princess” tattoo is for the individual with a low pain threshold but still has an insatiable need to get in on the latest craze. That also symbolizes one important aspect of their personality…high maintenance. However, in all fairness this is the one that will be easiest to get rid of down the road, or at the very least is readily hidden by any old pair of socks.
4- The Shinto Warrior. Scottish kilts are too manly for the average male and German lederhosen makes even the best alpha male look like a totally emasculated wuss. WAIT! Once again our oriental brothers come to the rescue by letting us borrow from their language so we can brand them on our lame, white, culture starved European bodies. What do these words say? Your guess is as good as mine, but I suspect that many are just symbols found on the menu for Kim’s WonTon House. I anticipate the oriental tattoo culture adopting the letters “A, B and C” in response. The SW tattoo is an attempt to communicate the message that the wearer feels he is badass in multiple cultures. One thing is certain, only airdropping them into the worst neighborhood in Hong Kong will tell us for sure.
5- The Harley Dorkinson. Without a doubt the bottom of the trailer-park barrel has to be the Harley Davidson tattoo. Chances are such a person also has the Harley Davidson sports package on their Ford trucks, and quite possibly one of those extremely tacky HD bar clocks in their homes. There’s something not quite right about a situation where one voluntarily becomes an unpaid walking billboard for a corporation. The even sadder thing is that assuming the wearer even has a HD motorcycle in the first place, they can never allow themselves to further experience what it is like to ride a bike that doesn’t sound like my 20 year old lawn mover trying to burp water out of the gas lines.
So what is the fate of all who go down the now expanded Tattoo super-freeway? For many, the symbols of their youth will amuse caregivers in the seniors home 40 years from now. And for the enlightened few, there is this option…
At several hundred dollars per session ( you may need up to 8 ), enjoy!