The Dysfunctional Christmas Tree: PART TWO


With a tree now in my possession, it was time to put it all together.  The next phase in my plan required the following elements to be in place:

  • reckless abandon
  • Wife’s schedule to know when she’s going to be out.

STEP 1:  Make like a tree and start decorating.

As you know, I was able to acquire a tree of pristine quality through means only capable by very few men.  So the next step was simple, decorate using existing supplies.   But since my previous rants about how the Christmas Tree is a pagan symbol that should be eradicated from the Christian observance of the day has pretty much fallen on deaf ears, I decided to lighten up and got my kids to do it.

STEP 2: Customize with a personal touch

Now it was time for Phase 2: traditional decorations.  Traditional?  Screw that.  Tradition is for wedding dresses and making cheese.  This tree will instead possess high tech semi-modern decorations.  Wait…semi-modern?  Try semi-conductor  beechez!!  For this, I was able to acquire:
  • A bag-load of Pentium 4 and AMD CPU’s from old work PC’s.   Some were destined for the Eco-Station.  Others are just from jerks who will have some serious startup issues Monday morning.
  • A ton of old PC-100 memory sticks.
  • old DVD’s and CD’s
  • old USB keys

CPU’s make awesome decorations due to their golden underbelly.  So I used about twenty of them.  Same with the memory sticks.  If you have access to old cell phones, Blackberry’s, or iPods then you could really make your tree something amazing to behold.  For good measure, I also put on about a half dozen dreidels as Hanukkah is also happening the same month.   Why?  Because up yours Santa, that’s why.

STEP 3: Things I couldn’t get away with, but maybe you can!

Depending on your homes tolerance for geek, you may or may not be able to get away with adding other things to bring it up a notch.  For example, replacing the angel with a skull from a T-800 Terminator would absolutely crank your tree to the higher levels of nerd-dom.  But my wife probably wouldn’t go for it and my Baptist in-laws already think me and my damnable electric guitar are straight from the pits of Hell anyway.  Best not to push my luck.

In lieu of expensive orb balls, go for CD’s.  Put about 20 of them in a spindle and drill a hole through the entire batch in one go!  Then string them up and you’re set!   It’s the perfect way to get rid of Jim Carrey’s Grinch movie as well as your kids entire Care Bear video collection.

Now our tree is here and awaits Boxing Day.  That’s when I take it to the backyard and pour a gallon of gasoline on it and light it up.   Despite what you might think, the kids love it.  Figures.  The little pagans.

So on behalf of myself and my Dysfunctional Parrot persona, Merry Christmas to everyone!   Just try not to get into too much trouble by following my advice o’tay?

© 2011 – 2015, John Paul Parrot. All rights reserved.

About Author

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

  • Anonymous

    Your “The Dysfunctional Christmas Tree” posts really hit home for me. The past 6 or so years I refused to allow a Christmas tree in my house, but as our girls where turning 7 and 8, and this was our new baby’s first Christmas, I finally caved and allowed the pine to fill my house. We actually made a black Friday trip to a local farm with a small plot of trees and blew what felt like half a weeks salary. This year we went pre-lit plastic to avoid to the overtaking by wolf spiders again, daily vacuuming to avoid the baby choking, and forgetting to water everyday. I actually went all out with LED lights in a techy sort of way on the lawn as well!

    Just thought you may get a kick out of that.