From seeing my investments take on less intrinsic value than an Ecoli infested bag of camel mucus, to having to deal non-stop with unprecedented levels of Islamic douchebaggery, this decade was one I personally would like to see go bye-bye.
The new millennium was in short defined by 9/11 ( duh ) and an economic grand mal seizure we’ve yet to truly recover from. Now hindsight is a glorious thing, and I’ll readily admit, I was pro-invading Iraq, pro-invading Afghanistan, and even pro-invading Venezuela just so we could make humiliate Hugo Chavez by forcing him to wear a french-maid costume. I was so gung-ho for invading that I was ready to send a cruise missile into the local Subway franchise because they put too many hot banana peppers on my sandwich. Commie bastards.
But all that has given me the opportunity to reflect upon what has happened since and make amends for my transgressions. So what does the future hold for 2010-2020? Hot diggity dog, I’m going to tell you, even if I have to completely make everything up! IT’S THE TOP TEN!
1) America, you’re sorta done. Not done as in “gone”, just done as in “no longer effective”. Sort of like a geo-political Andrew Dice Clay. America’s global pull is going to diminish to the status of nations like Denmark, Sweden, or that place where they all wear wooden shoes. This is due to the population suffering from hyper-inflation from a massive over-printing of money. Globally, this will not be a good thing either as when the cat is away, the mice will play.
2) Because of this expect protectionism to come into play. With constant eroding of jobs to overseas cheap outsourcing, expect a grassroots backlash. Legislation will come into place to limit, if not outright forbid letting “Avi” in North India troubleshoot your Windows 7 installation with an accent so thick he might as well be speaking his native tongue. It doesn’t help that he gets paid with dried lentils, and has a pair of rusty pliers for a Dental plan.
3) The middle-east is off its meds again and will soon resemble the classic Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior WWF showdown. Really, we all KNOW what will happen don’t we? Someone drops a few bombs on Iran, Syria gets all pissy because they want a piece of the action, Hamas blows up some tourist busses, Pakistan harbors the terrorists, and Hugo Chavez flaps his fat gums while Sean Penn shines his idol’s shoes with his own tears of joy. Meanwhile Israel is letting off Arrow and Patriot intercepting missiles like a Mexican fireworks factory that’s on fire as Obama starts a sternly worded letter writing campaign towards Israel condemning her for having the audacity to defend herself.
4) No Obama second term. By the time his four years are up, you, me, and the aliens in Sector Alpha-G are going to be sick of looking at him and his teleprompter. The “Obama-Magic” will become a mocking term used to describe not living up to the hype. Keep in mind, if Sarah Palin is the Republican nominee, then I take all that back.
5) 2012 will usher in the Era of Absolute Nirvana. Ha! Just kidding! December 2012 will pass with all the uneventful nothingness of Y2K. Expect “bucket-lists” to be a hot topic as everyone has their end-of-the-word-plan. Find a way to get into the T-shirt market here if you can.
6) Tattoo Removal. After a decade of getting wings permanently painted on their lower backs, yesterday’s skank is now today’s size 20 muffin-top. Those once artistic eagle wings now resemble a decrepit molting McVulture. I need to find a way to cash in on this, as I even have a name for the business…”Regrets”.
7) Newspapers/Media: The newspaper industry will lay off reporters, staff, and print hollow stories readily found online for free instead of actually doing any investigate journalism. In response they will continue to blame their lack of innovation, plummeting customer loyalty, and shrinking revenues on the internet.
8- Alternative Energy: GeoThermal, solar, wind and nuclear will make huge inroads in light of the impending middle-eastern edition of UFC.
9- Canada: Is going to make a $#!^load of money from the tar-sands after the energy spike. If the last boom is any indication, the trickle down effect to the average citizen will be about $0.45 per year. Yipee.
10) And finally, the Dysfunctional Parrot blog will continue to be the first, last, and only place where you will find the only slightly recycled, distorted and mangled truth. That is my promise to you!