6 Steps to Crushing an Urban Riot with Style

Oh gee, what a surprise. Montreal had another hockey riot.  But in a province where hockey is less of a sport and more of an organized religion, I guess that should come as little surprise.

Now in all fairness, these brain-dead sacks of stupidity are not hockey fans.  No, as with the Olympics, or G20 summits, or whatever…it merely seems a convenient excuse to be the inner-moron some people are destined to be.

Some ( ok, technically nobody ) have asked me what I would do to squelch the riots.  Oh hell to the yeah baby, I have ways!

Rubber Bullets

Do you want to know the problem with rubber bullets?  They don’t leave any hole in their target big enough to put your hand through.  But they are after all, meant to be non-lethal in order to preserve an otherwise perfectly good taxpayer.  That having been said, I hope the Montreal Police forces are stocking up big time because if the Canadiens make it to the final, or God forbid, win the Stanley Cup, they’ll wish they took advantage of the two-for-one bullet special at Murphy’s House of Whoop-Ass.

Pros: Can produce contusions, abrasions, hematoma, bone fractures, injuries to internal organs, or potentially death.

Cons: Cannot produce a sudden growth of common sense and decency in their targets.

Tear Gas

You have to love a classic. Nothing makes your decision to become a mindless rioter more regretful than your lungs feeling like they’ve got fire ants in them and your eyes melting out of your head.  Tear gas has been a tried and tested means of dispersing rioters, demonstrators, and Twilight movie lineups.  Tear gas comes in many types and flavors such as CS, CN, pepper spray and “Totally Whacked” Winter Mint.

Pros: Few things are more emotionally moving than a rioter choking on gas.  Beautiful.  Just beautiful, man.

Cons: Does not contain deadly pathogens.  Yet.

Horse

Do you want to know why horses are great for crowd dispersion?  Because horses don’t give a rats ass.   It’s easy to act tough by jumping in front of a slow moving squad car, but try that with a horse and you’ll have an iron horse-shoe in your face faster than you can say, “hey pig!”.   Plus there’s the added psychological factor of a large animal that is relatively unimpressed by your antics, and is more preoccupied thinking about the oat bag waiting for it back at the barn.  So when a horse starts walking towards you, trust me, you’ll be the one that moves.  One way or the other.

Pros: Big.  Intimidating.  Adorable!

Cons: None.  A horse hoof to the head of a rioter is the perfect solution to any problem.

The Mosquito

The Mosquito is an electronic “anti-teen loitering” device that emits an annoying sound akin to a mosquito buzzing in your ear that can only be heard by teenagers and people in their 20s.  They use them in some 7-11 parking lots to disperse loitering teenagers, so why not mount them on every bar on the main strip? Are things getting out of hand?  Call the Bat-Phone and have Bruce Wayne flip the switch to cause mass dispersion to escape the painful sound-waves.  By the time the riot police show up the street will be so empty you’d swear they were playing Kenny G over the loudspeakers.

Pros: Old geezers are immune.  Get bent junior!

Cons: Many jurisdictions prohibit use, even though I’m sure every politician has one in their backyard.

Active Denial Technology (ADT)

Saved the second best for second last.  Look, there’s no way this one would get approval, BUT then again if I’m the one making decisions, then the world has gone into the sewer anyway.  ADT uses a 2-metre dish to create a narrow beam of microwaves that can be scanned across a crowd or even aimed at individuals and the wavelength radiation penetrates only 0.3 millimetres into the skin, rapidly heating the surface above the 45 °C pain threshold.  All you do is drive up your outfitted Humvee, hit the microwaves and ironically enjoy some popcorn as rioters flee in terror and pain.

Pros: Too numerous to mention.  Suffice to say, the coolness factor is an 11.

Cons: None.  Freaking none.

ED-209

This is my dream option for when rioters rebel against my imminent rule.  And really, what good is a rioter in the grand scope of maintaining civil order?  Like I always say, to make an omelette sometimes you have to break a few eggs.  Well, either that or unload several military grade clips into them.

Pros: Blame any situation that gets out of hand on a “glitch”.

Cons: Cleanup.