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5 Reasons I’m Not Ready for the “Real World”



Every now and then you hear the accusation that someone just wasn’t cut out for the “Real World”. This has puzzled me for some time, as I was unaware of a false reality existing in a parallel universe that we all could have easy access to.

The “Real World” means different things to different people. To the Vietnam War POW, the real world is a place where you wake up every morning to the smell of human bacon. To the morphing teen, the “Real World” is reality television. That’s why it has taken me so long to get a handle on what people are talking about.

But ah, I get it now!!  The real world is a synonym for being “media connected”. It means you’re in touch with the latest and greatest trends. The term has been hijacked to mean that anyone who is not an alpha-cultural, postmodern media junkie, is obviously disconnected with reality.

Allow me to offer a rebuttal.

#5. For $#@! sakes…CALL ME!!! 

I remember it fondly. About two years ago I got my very first text message on my cell while shopping. At first I didn’t know why my phone was acting up and then I noticed a message. To me it was then obvious…the machines had begun their enslavement of mankind. I then grabbed a crowbar and began smashing all the computerized cash registers and threatened a pimply teenager because she might be “one of them”. Finally the store manger showed me that the message was from my brother-in-law and we both shared an awkward laugh as the security team pounced on me and dragged me away.

Ironically, it took me nearly ten minutes to formulate a response with a keypad built for pixie-midgets. The alternative would have been simply hitting seven numbers and getting direct contact, but I didn’t want to loose this golden opportunity to get down and hip y-all with the new jive. Tight.

#4. Reality Television is a POX on humanity

Can you believe it…auditions for the real world!  Chief among these are the American Idol shows and their mutated three-eyed knockoff siblings. Although I think people watch them more for the failures than for the successes. There is something soothingly cathartic about watching some talentless looser having their dreams destroyed. In a way, Simon provided a community service by taking self-absorbed and clearly psychotic talentless hacks and putting a hollow point slug through their terminally diagnosed careers. Hey, I sing too. In my car with the windows rolled up and the stereo loud enough to mask my horrid, cracking vocals.

Talent shows are one thing. Then you get the sex-with-your-cousin offshoots like Jersey Shore. I watched 3 minutes of it once and saw more guido douche-bags than I ever thought I’d have to endure. Watching the women gave my eyeballs herpes, and seeing the interaction between the characters was like watching STD’s mutate in real time.  If this is how men and woman are meant to interact then holy crap, where is the button to launch the freaking missiles??  This isn’t the real world.  It’s a recruitment video for Al-Qaeda.

#3. Church is going online

Not satisfied with the material world, many in the Christian church are trying to plug into the “Real World”.  Granted, this only affects those of us who are not destined to burn forever in Hell. Yet nothing is sadder or more pathetic than a “church” that becomes exclusively virtual in the hopes of appealing to a materialistic and xenophobic generation. We’ve gone from Bible study, to 1-Minute Bibles, to weekly devotions, to giving the Body of Christ a crummy text-message because damnit…I’m busy here!! Somehow I doubt the next generation of C.S. Lewis’ are going to be a byproduct of this.

This has resulted in an online Christian community that has little else in common than complaining about the people who have the audacity to congregate in person.  It’s the equivalent of a troll forum for disgruntled believers, but these days we just call them postmodernists for short.  These people don’t need moral or spiritual support.  They need their internet service revoked.

#2. Courtship Hell

I watched “You’ve Got Mail” many years ago when only 99% of all ” hot women” in Messenger forums were middle-aged sex offenders. I’m guessing the social medium is plateauing now due to text messaging, but still it lives on for naive young girls who think their parents are jerks for not understanding that they truly do love some unidentified predator.

Fortunately I got married 16 years ago to the best woman in the world, and thus left the table scraps for all you Wil-E-Coyote wannabe men to fight over.  Back then…before the internet destroyed everything pure about love…you had to talk to a girl face to face.  You called her up for a date and got the cold, antiseptic rejection that ushered you into manhood.  What can be better than the “I still want to be friends” and spending the next week crying into your Cherry Coke?   Or better yet, spending an entire movie with a clearly uninterested girl and having no cell phone to make the hours pass less like an eternity.  Clearly we have lost something precious.

Now? If you don’t Text-stalk someone after the first date you’ve desecrated a cultural taboo.  This is the torment of the younger single people of whom I associate with.  It’s like watching horny meercats slamming frantically away at a keyboard hoping to attract the female.  And yes, I bask in the glory of their pain because that’s just the kind of sensitive guy I am.

#1. The Blue Pill is now the Red Pill

According to Matrix lore, the blue pill is blissful ignorance, while the red pill is harsh reality.  And be darned if we can tell the difference anymore.  I got this demonstrated to me once when a co-worker berated me for not letting my kids watch TV because they would be ignorant of the “real world”.  My response?  “You think TV is the f–king REAL WORLD??”.  The lights went on for a second before he sheepishly walked away, momentarily comprehending the idiocy of his position.

Playing with mud in the backyard and growing carrots is the real world.  Feeling the grass under your bare feet is the real world.  Your kids coming in the door covered from head to toe in mystery slime is the real world.  Television is a farce. Virtual Reality is an oxy-moron.  Take this site for example.  I think of as a quiet blues bar where the couches are soft, the drinks are cold and I get to randomly beat the patrons with an iron bar.  But I don’t live here.

Final Conclusion: Do you truly want the raw, unadulterated “real word”?   Join the Amish.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.



  1. M. Patterson

    May 7, 2011 at

    I might add that in the real world you can't say something, then think of something better, and literally pull the words back out of the air, put them in your mouth and speak them out again as something else. I had to go back and check my browser history to make sure I didn't have a really vivid dream about Twitter.

    "This post will self-destruct in…."

    I've got to check my RSS feed more often.

    • Dysfunctional Parrot

      May 7, 2011 at

      Ha! Indeed! I borrowed a bit from that post for this one! But I have now republished it in order not to confuse subscribers!

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