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Idiots Guide to Getting Tony Horton’s “The Next Level”

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Recently, America’s trainer, Tony Horton, has released his newest offering, The Next Level.  It looks to be a great workout series that has been developed independently of Beachbody, of whom Tony is no longer affiliated.  It also appears to require a joint venture of Navy Seals, MI6 and the Mossad in order to gain access to it.  Confused?  Let me take your hand and guide you.

Who is making it?

GAIA. A company that sells yoga mats, brain crystals, inner peace and a connection to the universe.  In other words, bulls–t.

bcrystals
Brain crystals. No, please. Tell me more.

But didn’t they used to be GAIAM?

GAIAM just changed their name to GAIA.  That rouge-M was seriously gumming up the spell-checker and Madison sure as Hell isn’t going to abandon her, like, ironic Corel WordPerfect.

What is Gaia about?

You know that guy in the park who wears a bun, smells like failure and day old lattes, wears yoga pants so tight you can count the change in his pocket and has no problem doing downward dogs in full public view?  It’s a company run by those types.

Why is there no link to “The Next Level” on GAIA’s website?

Horace is sporting his new ‘Che’ t-shirt and trying to pick up socialist chicks at a Starbucks.  He’ll log into the discount WordPress theme and change the site when he’s good and dang ready.

How can I get “The Next Level”?

First you must free yourself from the bondage of cable-tv young Padawan.  Have you done so?  Excellent.

Now call Cox, xFinity, or Verizon and beg on your hands and knees for them to take you back.  Just say you were drunk and that the fling with Netflix meant nothing.  Say you’ll get counseling and promise to change.

But What if I don’t live in America?

Don’t be stupid.  There is only America.

map_world
See?

Seriously, I don’t live in the United States.

Speaking as a registered Canadian Hoser, born in a Manitoba barn, I completely understand.  We’ve often been the forgotten step-child since that unfortunate event in 1812 that left our southern neighbors a little hot under the collar.  This is our long overdue comeuppance.

So can I get it on iTunes?

No.

Amazon?

Nada.

Netflix?

Negatory.

Can I get it on DVD?

Look, I know you’re hurting.  But the answer is still no.

Can I get it…

No, damn it.

So what you’re saying is Tony has released a workout series everyone wants, but few can get?

Essentially yes.  Sometimes, even capitalism fails.

But why did Tony leave Beachbody?

I know, it’s like watching Dad sleep on the couch.  Some things take a little time and maybe once Dad has gotten over his late night drinking and rampant porn addiction, things will be ok.  But it’s always toughest on the kids.

Do you have any details?  Anything?

Look, I know it’s fun to imagine a scenario where Carl Daikeler walks up to Tony and demands he create a fitness series of 5 minute workouts that promise to get people in the best shape of their lives.  Tony stands up and throws a Shakeology back at him, ruining Carl’s new Armani.  A screaming match ensues where Carl tells Tony, “You work for me!  Me!  Understand that Anthony?”.

Tony tears off his P90X t-shirt and curses in Italian before laying down the law.  “Work for you?  I made this company while you were selling Hip Hop Abs to overweight Generation X’ers!”

The boardroom is now dead silent.  Leondro stands to speak, “Fellas, let’s try to…”

“Shut your stinking Butt-Lift-face, Carvalho!!” Carl screams as Leondro slowly sits down, careful to avoid eye contact.  Autumn struggles to hold back a whimper.

leo1
I'll be quiet now.

Tony jumps on the table and before Carl can wipe the putrid tasting chocolate Shakeology off his shirt, Mr. P90X  lands a spinning back kick throwing his former CEO through a glass window and into a hedge below.  The room gasps as Tony calmly walks out the boardroom.

The door slams behind him as Sagi looks up from his mirror.  “Huh, did I miss something?”

Wait…did that really happen?

Oh yeah.  Sure did.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

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