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Idiots Guide to Getting Tony Horton’s “The Next Level”

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Recently, America’s trainer, Tony Horton, has released his newest offering, The Next Level.  It looks to be a great workout series that has been developed independently of Beachbody, of whom Tony is no longer affiliated.  It also appears to require a joint venture of Navy Seals, MI6 and the Mossad in order to gain access to it.  Confused?  Let me take your hand and guide you.

Who is making it?

GAIA. A company that sells yoga mats, brain crystals, inner peace and a connection to the universe.  In other words, bulls–t.

bcrystals
Brain crystals. No, please. Tell me more.

But didn’t they used to be GAIAM?

GAIAM just changed their name to GAIA.  That rouge-M was seriously gumming up the spell-checker and Madison sure as Hell isn’t going to abandon her, like, ironic Corel WordPerfect.

What is Gaia about?

You know that guy in the park who wears a bun, smells like failure and day old lattes, wears yoga pants so tight you can count the change in his pocket and has no problem doing downward dogs in full public view?  It’s a company run by those types.

Why is there no link to “The Next Level” on GAIA’s website?

Horace is sporting his new ‘Che’ t-shirt and trying to pick up socialist chicks at a Starbucks.  He’ll log into the discount WordPress theme and change the site when he’s good and dang ready.

How can I get “The Next Level”?

First you must free yourself from the bondage of cable-tv young Padawan.  Have you done so?  Excellent.

Now call Cox, xFinity, or Verizon and beg on your hands and knees for them to take you back.  Just say you were drunk and that the fling with Netflix meant nothing.  Say you’ll get counseling and promise to change.

But What if I don’t live in America?

Don’t be stupid.  There is only America.

map_world
See?

Seriously, I don’t live in the United States.

Speaking as a registered Canadian Hoser, born in a Manitoba barn, I completely understand.  We’ve often been the forgotten step-child since that unfortunate event in 1812 that left our southern neighbors a little hot under the collar.  This is our long overdue comeuppance.

So can I get it on iTunes?

No.

Amazon?

Nada.   * update:  To be released end of October 2019. 

Netflix?

Negatory.

Can I get it on DVD?

Look, I know you’re hurting.  But the answer is still no.

Can I get it…

No, damn it.

So what you’re saying is Tony has released a workout series everyone wants, but few can get?

Essentially yes.  Sometimes, even capitalism fails.

But why did Tony leave Beachbody?

I know, it’s like watching Dad sleep on the couch.  Some things take a little time and maybe once Dad has gotten over his late night drinking and rampant porn addiction, things will be ok.  But it’s always toughest on the kids.

Do you have any details?  Anything?

Look, I know it’s fun to imagine a scenario where Carl Daikeler walks up to Tony and demands he create a fitness series of 5 minute workouts that promise to get people in the best shape of their lives.  Tony stands up and throws a Shakeology back at him, ruining Carl’s new Armani.  A screaming match ensues where Carl tells Tony, “You work for me!  Me!  Understand that Anthony?”.

Tony tears off his P90X t-shirt and curses in Italian before laying down the law.  “Work for you?  I made this company while you were selling Hip Hop Abs to overweight Generation X’ers!”

The boardroom is now dead silent.  Leondro stands to speak, “Fellas, let’s try to…”

“Shut your stinking Butt-Lift-face, Carvalho!!” Carl screams as Leondro slowly sits down, careful to avoid eye contact.  Autumn struggles to hold back a whimper.

leo1
I'll be quiet now.

Tony jumps on the table and before Carl can wipe the putrid tasting chocolate Shakeology off his shirt, Mr. P90X  lands a spinning back kick throwing his former CEO through a glass window and into a hedge below.  The room gasps as Tony calmly walks out the boardroom.

The door slams behind him as Sagi looks up from his mirror.  “Huh, did I miss something?”

Wait…did that really happen?

Oh yeah.  Sure did.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

10 Comments

10 Comments

  1. aerwin

    February 21, 2020 at

    To be honest I’ve used Beachbody for but the company has turned into a predatory MLM scheme aka Pyramid scheme . So I am happy Tony left . I will try these workouts at least

  2. Peter

    February 21, 2020 at

    I can confirm that this is now available on Amazon Prime (in the U.S., at least — don’t know if the availability of programs on Amazon varies by country). The monthly cost for the Gaiam channel for Prime members is about $7 per month, so not expensive. From what little I’ve seen (and only seen — I fast forwarded through the videos without doing any of them) this is an underwhelming program. Horton explains in the intro video that you’re supposed to workout only four to five times a week or about 22 times per month. Additionally, the schedule is designed to be one upper, one lower, and two cardios per week, with a stretching and mobility thrown in for a fifth workout. Here’s a problem: there are only two weight-based upper-body resistance programs (Toughen Up and Enduro Strength) and NO weight-based lower-body programs. Instead, the lowers (The Big Burn and the Bottom Dollar) are plyo/body-weight. The other workouts — Pulse, High Gear, and all of the ones from Season 2 — are also cardio, body-weight, total body workouts. Even Enduro Strength falls more in the genre of total body, and your weight selection will need to be on the light side. So this is definitely not a strength program, at least not in the vein of the the P90X series, Live to Fail, or even Hammer and Chisel. It does a little bit of everything and therefore not much of anything. Just my two cents, which, fortunately, is more than I paid for a free week of Gaiam on Amazon.

  3. Mik Nuhy

    February 21, 2020 at

    Parrot, long time reader… Just an FYI, I recently saw a video (within the last few days) of Tony on CNBC talking about TNL workouts. Apparently, he/Gaia signed on with Amazon Prime to get the workouts out by end of October. This is pretty awesome news and for some reason not well known, which is very odd… Here’s the link: https://youtu.be/W-ksjPfWeb4

  4. Tommy

    February 21, 2020 at

    Give it 6 months and someone will be streaming it on Kodi

  5. Raj

    February 21, 2020 at

    On top of all the confusion of a non dvd AND non streaming workout program, even a google search of “Tony Horton The Next Level” leads one in the wrong direction because the tagline for P90X+ was “The Next Level.” What a disaster this project is so far. Tony has stated 13 more workouts to come–hopefully the actual workouts are good and one day accessible!

  6. Guy from Aus

    February 21, 2020 at

    I’m in Australia, if I get a Gaia subscription is that all I need to watch this online?

  7. andre Blanchfield

    February 21, 2020 at

    I actually accessed the intro video and the first video of this workout program (via Xfinity cable). Huge turnoff with the Gaia subscription, but in previewing the (resistance) workouts, think the time constraints of p90x/p90x2 with the exercise protocol of x2/x3. There are plyo workouts, some cardio, yoga, and resistance training.
    He has three partners in the workout videos (change by video at times): the beginner, the Striver(some modifiers to the workout routine), and the Warrior (advanced).

    No calendar to speak of, but in the intro video, he tells you how to sequence the workouts. He still has his Hortonisms so to speak, but he is encouraging. As others have said, people will not be flocking to this program due to the subscription, but there is very little new so to speak.

  8. RD

    February 21, 2020 at

    Love Tony and have all his DVD’s. in my 30’s and have no interest is buying a subscription service. They need to produce DVD or offer a way to download the Videos…not sure how many people are going to pay $8-10 a month for 1 program. And yes, I would spend $100 for the DVDs

    P90X was a monster but from what I read the remainder of his DVD sold ok…I can’t see the masses signing up for another streaming service just for this program.

  9. Colin

    February 21, 2020 at

    Great read. I didn’t know Tony left Beachbody, good for him. Poor way to release a series though. Who has cable?

  10. Brian Ayson

    February 21, 2020 at

    holy crap that was awesome

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