Connect with us


ShawzBear – A New Day!



Well hello again, friends!  It is your old pal and guest writer ShawBear!  It’s been awhile…but like the VD (do the kids still call it that?), I don’t ever go away completely, I just go into remission for a while providing everyone with a little peace…and uhm, temporary itching relief??


Before I get down to business here, a little back story: Mr. D. Parrot here writes about P90X and the like because it’s what he knows.  He’s done all the programs, videos, 12 step programs and looks like a Greek chiselled out of granite.  I on the other hand, write about McGuyver and Android tablets because I am more closely resembling a pear shape: one moulded out of delicious chocolate pudding!  What I know about cross training and supplements wouldn’t fill up a shake weight instruction manual, but what I do know is that the internet loves two things; success stories and Justin Bieber being nailed in the head with things.


Since the Parrot has the market already cornered for those a little more fit savvy, I thought I would approach a fitness article for the rest of us…the caramel coated Ying to his kale seasoned Yang as it were.  Since I won’t be doing any one-legged-upside-down-chin-up-burpie squats any time soon, I’ll be using what I’ve got already for exercise gear…


My Bowflex PR3000 – Bought a couple of Christmas’s ago with the best intentions, it has sadly been doing a better job keeping my flooring in place than my gut.  I have always enjoyed weight training, but have had a hard time finding the time and energy, what with the 3 little Shawzbears running around the house (and my love for all things deep fried!) but for the next month I will be doing a odd day rotation with this and the second piece in my scheme.


My Nordictrac treadmill – Any previous followers of my schtick will be familiar with ol’ Bessie here.  I have always enjoyed running and due to the sub arctic conditions where I live a treadmill is almost a necessity for the winters.  I will be keeping the runs mostly to lower duration, higher intensity to facilitate the focus on calorie burning and strength building I’ll be looking to achieve.

I’ve also recruited my resident nutritional expert, Mrs. Shawzbear to give me a top 3 things to focus on during this stretch…after she rolled her eyes at me on insisting it being ONLY 3 she came up with this, which I’ll be following for the next month:

1 – Increase water intake. Like, a LOT.

The average person is supposed to drink roughly 8-10 cups of pure water a day, more so when exercising.  I tend to lean a little more towards the “I don’t drink any at all” side of things. So most important for the next month is taking 2 litres (sorry American friends, living in Canada here…I think that’s like 4 hectares or something) with me to work every day and getting that in.


2 – Lay off the coffee.  No, really.

Starting with my cup in the morning (or as I call it, my good morning juice) and carrying on throughout the day, I probably average 8-10 cups of Joe a day. This is leaving me severely dehydrated and energy deprived from the caffeine letdown. I plan to cut this down a little more slowly, aiming to end up at 3 cups a day, 4 hours or so apart.  This should keep my mug off the evening news by keeping enough caffeine in my system to prevent me from going on a rampage at the neighbourhood Target.


3 – No more Gluten (But it tastes so Gluten!)

This one for me is going to be the hardest, bar none.  I’m by no means a celiac, but I have noticed the relationship in me between gluten and weight gain.  Turns out the wheat gluten nowadays is a genetically mutated mess…and study after study is showing it is a huge contributor to obesity.  In Canada, home of Tim Hortons (Americans, please refer to Krispy Kreme, eh?) this will be a challenge.  Because if there is one thing I like more than a coffee, its a Twinkie.

But for the next month, I’ll be trying to cut it out.  So thats the plan.  For the next month I’ll be journalling all of this for your amusement.  Join me if you will, but if you cut my caffeine deprived buggy off at the mall, I WILL cut you, I swear!


ShawzBear is a 30 something Canadian man just trying to make a buck peddling useless video entertainment to the masses. He is blessed with a wonderful wife and 3 amazing kids and enjoys running, hockey and is a founding member of the 101st Care Bear Fan Club, Alberta Division.

Click to comment

Copyright © 2019 Dysfunctional Parrot Productions