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Calgary Stampede: Animal Ultimate Fighting!



Calgary Stampede officials are upset by the deaths of four horses and a serious injury to a rider in the first few days of the annual rodeo.

How do you approach the subject of the Calgary Stampede?  It often brings out many who are so over the top with animal rights that any valid points are lost in the lip flapping.  That’s where I come in, to clear the air!

Animal rights do indeed have value, yet are often portrayed as extreme. For example, PETA would also be against dog sled races.  Yet the particular mutts involved would go insane if not allowed to do so.  It was what they were bred for.  To prevent them is like strapping a Chinese orphan in a chair.

So I’m not without some understanding of why the Calgary Stampede exists.  Most importantly, without it Calgary becomes a city with urban wannabe-cowboys dressing up in designer boots and hats for no good reason, thus making it even more of a fashion apocalypse than it already is.  As one raised on a farm, the only people I knew who wore cowboy boots were pompous asses. Rubber boots are far more practical for shoveling tons of liquified pig excrement.  And that was back in the good old days of family farming!

But what about the animals?  Is the sled dog comparison valid?  In this case probably not.

For example, a bucking horse is essentially a horse that is aggressively asking the rider to get the frak off its back.  In other words, a horse with a Type A personality.  The rest of the tame horses let kids ride their backs because they have learned, much like their drone human counterparts…that you might as well accept the hand you’re dealt.

Calf roping, likewise involves a young cow running for the border like a desperate Mexican, only to be tackled and roped while it is unable to do much more than give a confused look on its face like the one my dog gets when I put him on the phone.

Look , I’m the first guy to admit that if food is required then go ahead and pop that 4-legged entrée right between the eyes. And I’m a vegetarian. But I’d be lying if I said that irritating animals for sport made any logical sense to me.

Yet come to think of it, maybe the Calgary Stampede is onto something.  Maybe this is how we should arrange the killing of animals for food…by engaging them in mutual unarmed combat!

Thats right, make it a fair fight.  Because there’s few things I despise more than “sport” hunting where an armed to the teeth and fully camouflaged hunter hides in a tree waiting for a bear to approach the fish bait below.  If you want a bear rug, then it’s up to you to kill that 9 foot man-killing machine with your bare hands.  Hey, don’t blame me if you’re too lazy to do a morning workout.

So that’s my solution.  Bears with uzi’s, deer with heat seeking missiles, and cows…well, if you want another Quarter Pounder to stuff in your fat face then you better start doing some push ups.  Because it looks like Bessy’s going to put up a fight.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

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