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PARROT REPORT: Bulletproof Coffee

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Bulletproof coffee.  The name conjours up images of raw masculinity in a cup. A flavor divine, and a caffeine high that never ends but rather leaves one in a permanent state of nirvana.  Indeed, each succulent sip of brew promises to leave you with an O-face.

Having already sold my immortal soul for the sake of a daily cup of Columbian fire water, the idea of hacking a cup of Joe intrigued me.  However, I have to watch it with the coffee intake lest Mrs. Parrot take a wiffle-ball bat to my head for being such a moody twit.  Could “Bulletproof”ing my coffee be the gateway to once again sip the nectar of the gods with impunity?  The test is on, but first I had to assemble the ingredients.

bpcoffee_mod
Gentlemen, start your engines.

1- Beans

The “Upgraded Coffee” excuses its gouging price by claiming to be free of myotoxins.  Want to know what else is?  Every other coffee.  Nearly every roaster in the world uses wet-processing and nearly all mycotoxins are eliminated.  I just bought my favorite pack of organic Kicking Horse and never looked back.  I usually opt for the dark roast to match the blackness of my heart.

2- Butter

Mr. Bulletproof recommends grass-fed organic butter and I must concur.  I really can’t say if the flavor is terribly different, but if you knew what went into the feed of American cattle then I think we’d all agree that spending a little extra for quality isn’t a bad thing.

So, salted or unsalted?  I like salted butter for two reasons.  First, it’s what my wife buys so I’m stuck with it unless I want to buy my own.

emp_wallet
Salted butter it is.

And second, the salty undertones really are quite nice.  Think of it as some wine snob noticing the aroma of elderberries or something.

4- Oils

Feel free to buy this guys expensive “Upgraded” MCT oils if you want and more power to you.  Truth is, there are far less expensive brands that are every bit as good if not better.  However, many ingredients in these oils are found in coconut oil, an item readily available in the Parrot household.  The flavor of coconut oil is nice and no…it won’t taste like you dumped a pina colada in your coffee.

Purists might take exception to my choice and say that I’m hijacking the benefits of BP coffee.  Personally I find the lofty claims about MCT oil somewhat dubious.  I also don’t subscribe to the “if a little is good, then more is better” philosophy.  Either way, this won’t affect my hunger as the oil is supposedly just for brain power, and I’m already a finely tuned engine of intellectual brilliance.

PREPARE

Don’t add anything else.  No cream, sugar, honey, agave…nothing.  Getting an insulin response is not the desired outcome here.  Be a man and take it like a man.

How to prepare:

  • 2 cups of coffee.
  • 2 tablespoons (at least) of grass-fed butter.
  • 1-2 tablespoons of MCT ( or substituted coconut oil ).
  • Shove that stuff in a blender and whip it.

One thing is certain, you’ll get a foamy brew better than any latte Starbucks is churning out of their hipster huts.  In fact, feel free to motor past their busy drive through and yell triumphantly.  Preferably something ironic.

bp_homemade
Also nice not having to leverage your mortgage to get a Starbucks latte that cost them 10 cents to make.

BENEFITS

Bulletproof coffee does indeed give you an alertness not typical of a normal cup of bitter water.  The good fats take a cushion to the inevitable caffeine crash and according my my loving wife, can make you less of an insufferable puss-brain by days end.

What about the taste?  Folks…it’s awesome.  It’s like sucking on an angels breast while listening to a Beastie Boys soundtrack.  Then again, it’s loaded with caffeine and butter so no surprise here.  Therein lies the danger.  If you don’t watch it, this will simply replace potato chips as a health vice.

Don’t forget, most of the damage in coffee happens when “cream” and sugar enter the mix.  These are absolutely horrible additives and you are far, far better off adding essentials fats to your cup than that sludge any day.

LIABILITIES

Now let’s talk long term fitness benefits here.  For the sake of math, let’s just say there are none.

Bulletproof coffee requires that you have this instead of breakfast.  It also claims you will not feel hungry until lunch, which is complete and utter BS.  By ten-thirty I was judging my co-workers based on their potential meat quality.  Essentially, Bulletproof is asking you to skip the most important meal of the day in lieu of their concoction which makes the most dubious health claims.  Not to mention that if you’re working out, you’re also skipping an opportunity for protein intake.

Come on people.

Another thing that galls me with this concoction are the advocates bestowing the title of PALEO to it in order to make it sound in vogue.  I eat paleo and wouldn’t for a moment consider this a healthy alternative to a balanced breakfast.  I rather liken this to the ridiculous Atkins diet that did what so many diets do…disrupt the balance of sensible nutrition in favor of a fad.  Suffice to say, my body did not appreciate this shift and I had several restless nights sleep due to the cortisol hit.  A high energy morning I had, but it came at a cost later in the day.

You can call this anything you want but at the end of the day, you are eating a stick of butter in coffee and chugging it.  If you need this to substitute out breakfast then watch a YouTube video on how to crack an egg.  Yes, good fats are essential to everyone’s health so add an avocado in the morning to your breakfast and some olive oil on a salad.  Gulping down a stick of butter is well…gulping down a stick of butter.

butter_1
Not pictured: a nutritionally complete breakfast

CONCLUSION

Eat right, exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Everything in balance and moderation.  But no, our culture just can’t do that can we?  We instead need the shortcuts; shake-weights, ab rollers and “Bulletproof”ed Coffee.

Essentially, you are taking an entire meal an replacing it with something absurdly high in fat.  And while I am a huge advocate for high-quality fats in your diet, I’m not saying you should make a blasted meal out if it, let alone the vast majority of your diet.  This a truly awful idea, despite what the “executive” at Bulletproof states.  Not only are you starving yourself of carbs, but your liver is now working overtime to process ungodly amounts of fat.  Keep on this for too long and I’m sorry to say, your overall health is going to tank.

While this is indeed one of the tastiest cups of brew I have ever enjoyed ( and why wouldn’t it be…it’s full of butter ), would I recommend this as a daily cup?  Good heavens no.  But if you simply must indulge, do so in moderation.  And please, don’t expect this to be a shortcut to fitness because I guarantee that you will be disappointed.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

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