Parrot’s Guide to Chest Shaving and Waxing

So, you’ve been watching endless workout videos and there’s been something about the guys that seems a little strange.  Then it all becomes clear.  Almost every one of them has a perfectly hairless chest.  You vow, then and there to go ahead and follow in their footsteps.  Self respect be damned.

For a great many men, this may seem distasteful, even heretical.  Especially to those of us who are approaching Tom Selleck levels of hairy masculinity.  Just remember that if things go wrong, it will grow back.  Maybe.  Men should also be conscious of the overall appearance.  For example, shaving the chest and legs but ignoring the grassy knoll down under will add an element of comedy to the bedroom you may not appreciate.  Do a tidy up to avoid being a bigger laughingstock than you already are.

For some of us it might be required to burn through a bag of blades or disposable razors to cut through the foliage.  The outcome should be a glistening bare chest like that of a professional wrestler.  Take a moment to flex in the mirror and admire the rippling muscles.  Try to ignore the impending sense of horror and regret.  Too late for that now.

The major downside of shaving is what comes a few days later…stubble.  What was smooth as a baby’s butt not that long ago is now fit to sand an oak table to a professional finish.  That means the only other option is to play with the major leagues.  The unspoken alternative to the respectful touch of the disposable razor is the merciless dungeon master of waxing.  Women in general might be more familiar with this practice on their legs, unless they’re French.  Men who decide to do this for the first time are rarely mentally prepared for the procedure.  Allow me to help you through the details.

Waxing Step 1

First things first, you have to get supplies.  You’ll be looking for waxing strips and for the most part they are in the women’s shaving isle.  It will be the box with a pouty model who is no doubt hairless from the neck down and ready to indulge in the carnalities of forbidden desire.  Men, look both ways and when the coast is clear, hide a box or two in your cart under a bag of bananas.  Be sure to use the self-checkout to avoid the cashiers judging eyes.

Waxing Step 2

Lock the bathroom door.  Things are about to go from zero to crazy in no time. If anyone knocks just make fart noises and complain about yesterday’s takeout.

You’ve probably ruined a strip already because you didn’t read the instructions.  They need to be warm before peeling.  Warm…not hot!  Once successful at peeling some waxy strips, slap that baby right on a big hairy spot.  Get it settled into a gnarly clump of chestly pelt.  Now remember, slow and steady is your enemy here.  This must be done with the speed of Hermes.

Waxing Step 3

Now that you’re strapped in, be sure to pull in the direction of the growth.  Take a deep breath.  Ready?  One, two, three. GO…!

Waxing Step 4

The initial reaction varies.  Some pass out.  Other begin puking in the bathroom sink.  Many disillusioned souls stand motionless like Satan robbed their soul.  But that’s not the worst of it.  Looking down you see what looks like a clear-cut deforestation about 5 inches long and two inches wide.  That’s the good news.

The bad news is that you have to do it again.

And again. 

All until the job is done.  To be honest, if you have a shot-glass and a bottle of Crown Royale kicking around, it might help.  You can also use it to disinfect the bleeding geysers now covering your body by the hundreds.  Give yourself a few days to heal before unveiling your newfound hairlessness.  Initially you’ll look like you got into a fight with a sabretooth tiger.

As a final suggestion, you dudes should prepare your audience in advance by showing them pictures of shaved gorillas lest the sudden shock of Dad without his man-carpet cause hysterics.  As a father of four, I can assure you the children will take much amusement in your vain attempts at youth.

–

This article was inspired from Dr. Parrot’s Guide to Becoming a Lean, Mean, Killing Machine.  Available now on Amazon.