How Hipsters Ruined a Perfectly Good Hat

By Jean Paul Fender

 

Well there goes another one.  Even women are wearing them now so I guess it’s over.  The hipsters in their blind quest to be “ironic” have ruined yet another perfectly acceptable form of fashion.  Am I referring to tight pants?  Hell no…you can all keep that crap.   Hemp accessories?  Got news for you kids, it’s made from perfectly legal hemp farmed in Manitoba.  iPods?  Nah.  Apple makes good products despite these schmucks insistence on using them as a status symbol.  No, I am talking about the one thing that matters.  The once mighty fedora/trilby.

The fedora was once a distinguished form of headwear meant for gentlemen ( Emphasis on men. ) which ran counter to uncivilized, baseball cap wearing knuckle-draggers.  It can often be called a “trilby”, but for the sake of brevity let’s just stick with “fedora” because in every way that matters, it’s the same damn thing ( no, I’m not a hat purist ).  It was a form of masculine headwear reserved mainly for those of a more mature age.  That is until those meddling kids and their damn dog got ahold of them.

However, with the use of my genetically engineered intellect I have been able to determine the flash-point….the exact moment in time when the fedora went from an obscure thing Grandpa wore to being pre-mainstream.  Justin Timberlake.

When Justin Timberlake left NSync…or Backstreet Boys…or NKotB…aww Hell, they’re all the same…he popped one on his head and everyone thought, “Hey, that looks good.  Maybe I can get one too.”.  And one by one hipsters did until it has finally reached a saturation point that has spilled over into Tickle-Me-Elmo levels of insanity.  Even the ladies have them and that REALLY sucks.  Like tattoos, everyone must have one in order to be unique.  In fact, on a part of town known for a heavy hipster population there’s now a hat shop.  Naturally, it’s right next to a Starbucks.

Truth is, I would look bitching in a fedora and that’s why I’m upset.  But now I can’t have one.  And while many out there would tell me to “Get one anyway!  Don’t let anyone tell you what to wear!”, I would counter that I would only be seen as a grown man in his 40’s trying to pathetically look like a 20-something.  Having a “Go to Hell, I’ll wear what I want” attitude is only passable when you still live with your parents.

Plus, that logic falls short in so many ways.  I own a kilt, but clearly cannot wear it as an everyday article of clothing.  I mean…yes, I suppose I COULD.  But damn, I’m not one to enjoy being watched by strangers.  Even less so having everyone wondering if I have underwear on.  Like it or not, we all have to conform in order to take advantage of the fruits of our society.  Such as stable employment.

Maybe what’s needed is a mass rounding up of hipsters by locking them all inside an antique clothing shop.  The bait is simple. The antique shop will need to have good Wi-Fi and a Starbucks in order to attract them all.  The logistics problem of dispensing enough hot lattes won’t be that big of an issue once we lock the doors and burn the building to the ground.

Otherwise, it looks like me and my fedora might have to wait for another decade.

  

2012 – 2014, Dysfunctional Parrot. All rights reserved. No reproduction of written material is permitted.

Jean Paul Fender

Jean Paul Fender

Supreme Overlord at DysfunctionalParrot.com
Jean Paul Fender ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.
Jean Paul Fender
Jean Paul Fender
Jean Paul is the author of the comedy apocalyptic novel, LOOPBACK.
 
 
  • http://www.facebook.com/WindTunnelDude Dennis Adams

    Go with the pork pie hat instead.

    • http://dysfunctionalparrot.com Dysfunctional Parrot

      … yessss ( writhing hands )…

  • LiliCat

    Actually, fedoras were first designed for women. Men didn’t start wearing them until decades later. So, joke’s on you. Fedoras are “women’s wear” (although I don’t understand why the hell it matters).

    If you’ll let a couple of “ironic” college kids ruin your enjoyment of what you like to wear, I would say you’re just as petty as they are.

    • http://dysfunctionalparrot.com Dysfunctional Parrot

      Technically, pants were for women too. Which I why I own a fully stocked kilt. :) No really.

      As for a “couple” of ironic teenagers…look outside. Everyone is wearing them from kids to overweight Generation X-ers. The fashion has gone mainstream like tattoos ( another thing I refuse to get ). However, there is one consolation: I tried a few on the other day and truthfully, I looked horrible. My son was more than willing to crush my spirits ( 10 year olds can be so…honest! ). Never could get the hang of hats I suppose. So I would say “petty” is a poor choice of words. A desire to NOT be part of mainstream fashion would be a more apt description.

      • Matt Carey

        Doesn’t that make you a hipster?

        • http://dysfunctionalparrot.com Dysfunctional Parrot

          Nah. Jeans and t-shirt kind of guy.

          A good read that is quite entertaining is the Hipster Handbook:

          http://www.amazon.ca/The-Hipster-Handbook-Robert-Lanham/dp/1400032016

          I’m going through it for research material to help with a novel I’m writing. Funny stuff!

        • nope

          No, it doesn’t.

          • Cj Rodriguez

            Honestly, this is one of the most ironic and childish things I have read. Although i might be a teenager, and this is just an opinion. But I did almost become furious upon reading this. It is true, fedoras were mad for women first. And just because teenagers are wearing them, you can’t?! That’s the worst excuse for a grown man to have. We also didn’t ruin it by just wearing them. What, teenagers and college student cant wear “40-year old fashion” ? Is there some kind of written law men made up when they invented fedoras saying that kids couldn’t wear them. Sure, this is just your opinion, and we just want to wear them because we like them. But seriously, you are going a little too far by saying we ruined them and wanting to burn a freaking hat store down. And dont refer to all teenagers as hipsters. Because only maybe 30 percent of them are what you can actually call hipsters. Second, I can go anywhere where there is a multitude of people and maybe, just maybe see one teenager or low 20-year old wearing a fedora. Third, I see lots of other men your age still wearing fedoras, I think its cool and we dont judge them. What, you cant wear a fedora because you care what a teenager or other adults are going to think? What are you, a 15 year old like myself? Because not even I care what people think of me and how I dress. You have to self-consciousness of a teen who is bullied constantly. Now I don’t know your backround and past, but this is pure nonsense. No one will care if you wear a hat. Especially a fedora if this is how you are going to describe it.

          • Christian Rodriguez

            Sorry “nope” this wasnt meant as a reply to you.

          • http://dysfunctionalparrot.com Dysfunctional Parrot

            If this article makes you furious then you need to seriously get your priorities straight. It was an article I wrote as a joke several years ago. And if you really think I’m advocating store burning then maybe you should actually read the article instead of skimming.

            Honestly, the nerve of some people.

      • Daniel R. Cawley

        DysPart; agree totally on this entire critique. even worse is when the hipster has a HUGE head and a tiny hat. the effect is enuf to make one retch. do they even have a CLUE how STUPID they look ? i guess not.

        • http://dysfunctionalparrot.com Dysfunctional Parrot

          And now to add insult to injury, the once mighty and proud beard has been reduced to less than manly fashion scruff.

          My beard still rocks though.

          • Daniel R. Cawley

            when i want a gd example of how 2 wear a hat and what kind, i look at van morrison pics shot within the last ten yrs.

    • David A. Carlson

      If you want to get technical, high heels started as a men’s fashion. So, jokes on you, unless you are a man wearing high heels. In which case, why are you worried about men’s fashion?

  • English Major

    The pictures you’re using aren’t fedoras. They’re trilbies. (Fedoras have a wider brim.) But I guess I’ll file that under “It’s not a goatee, it’s a vandyke” arguments.

  • Really

    Are you kidding me? Only fat douchebags wore fedoras before the hipsters took them over

    • http://dysfunctionalparrot.com Dysfunctional Parrot

      Did they? To be honest it’s so long ago it’s almost a moot point. Hardly matters anyway. I put one on in the store and my son just gave the disapproving look of “No Dad…just no”.

      However, I still have my kilt and that is the king of the hill every time!

  • Marv Frost

    When I was younger all of my friends were nonconformists. So I became a nonconformist too. Laughing inside not letting it show but wishing
    I knew how I ended up on this page from 2012.

  • Professor Dumbledore

    Love this article! I can tell it was written in good fun but totally true tho. I wouldn’t touch a fedora/trilby with a 10 foot stick – and if I did I would have to be wearing a matching tailored suit and living in the 1920 – 1940s. It’s a shame a bunch of f–ktards got riled up and made some f–ktard comments below. I support this article. Keep it up.

    • http://dysfunctionalparrot.com Dysfunctional Parrot

      Dumbledore? Say, aren’t you dead?

 
 
 
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