Occasionally I wind up doing a little bit of web-work for my church, but for the most part I’m a somewhat unassuming individual. Sure, I’ve also been asked to speak on a number of topics, but those requests stopped instantly when a laptop I had borrowed for my presentation began having beer bottles fly on the screen for its screensaver.
I only wish that were not true.
Yet as time passed, my mistaken reputation for being a closet alcoholic began to subside. But I guess now everyone just thinks I’m Jewish…but that’s another story for another time.
So one day about a month ago I wander into the church office to talk to the secretary about some website upgrades and Pastor Dan comes up to me and kicks up a conversation. Pastor Dan is a fourty-something, upbeat sort of guy that I think is about as good as Pastors get, but there’s this one thing that…
Dan: Hey DP! Shalom! How are you?
DP: Uh hi, great. Thanks. Look, just to be clear I’m not actually Jewi…
Dan: That’s great DP. Look, we had a deacons meeting and several people brought your name up.
DP: Me? Why? Look if this has anything to do with me yelling at that old lady for using the handicap parking stall, let me assure you that that lying old bit…
Dan: Well, ah, they mentioned your name as a candidate for becoming a Deacon.
My mind clicked into another reality for a moment. A reality where I wore black with one of those white things in the collar that I have no idea what they mean. Deacon Parrot. The name would strike awe into the hearts of those around me. A spiritual leader of the flock. I would wield unmitigated power in such a way that lightning would go off when I walked in a room even if it was pure sunshine outside. I would be at the head of the table. First dibs on the communion bread. The finest women of the chur…
DP: Sorry, I kind of faded out there for a second. It sounded like you said you were asking me to be a Deacon.
Now I had to wrestle with a logical paradox. I loved and respected my church, yet now it wanted me as a Deacon. Now to be fair, I’m not a bad guy. Just a little…well, rough around the edges at times. Could I still respect a church that wanted ME in a position of authority?
DP: In THIS church?
Dan: That would be the general idea. Right now you’re doing work for us with this website and have been a member of the church for quite some time. We thought maybe you would consider joining.
DP: Actually I’m honored. I always just assumed you had to go to “Deacon-School” or have a charismatic personality. WAIT! Do I actually HAVE a charismatic personality?? That’s…AMAZING!! This opens so many doors for me in terms of being an awesome Deacon! I mean with a little time, patience and some Kool-Aid I’ll be able to…
Dan: Well, we’d like to set up an interview with the elders sometime soon after you get a chance to clear it with your wife. Then it will be brought before the church.
DP: My wife? Oh trust me, she’s totally OK with my thirst for power and prestige at the expense of others. Opposites attract right? ( wink and a double finger pistol gesture ) So yes, I’d be honored to be interviewed, and seriously, thanks for the offer.
Dan: Don’t mention it there DP. And Shalom!
DP: Thanks, but like I said before I’m not actually Jewi…sigh…Shalom Dan.
So I drove off in my minivan to tell my wife of the good news. It was all happening just as it had been foretold long ago…that one day a man would arise from the ashes to lead his people to a new land.
The future of humanity finally has a ray of hope. Deacon Parrot is soon at hand.