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DEACON Parrot?



Occasionally I wind up doing a little bit of web-work for my church, but for the most part I’m a somewhat unassuming individual.  Sure, I’ve also been asked to speak on a number of topics, but those requests stopped instantly when a laptop I had borrowed for my presentation began having beer bottles fly on the screen for its screensaver.

I only wish that were not true.

Yet as time passed, my mistaken reputation for being a closet alcoholic began to subside.  But I guess now everyone just thinks I’m Jewish…but that’s another story for another time.

So one day about a month ago I wander into the church office to talk to the secretary about some website upgrades and Pastor Dan comes up to me and kicks up a conversation.  Pastor Dan is a fourty-something, upbeat sort of guy that I think is about as good as Pastors get, but there’s this one thing that…

Dan: Hey DP!  Shalom! How are you?

DP: Uh hi, great.  Thanks.  Look, just to be clear I’m not actually Jewi…

Dan: That’s great DP.  Look, we had a deacons meeting and several people brought your name up.

DP: Me?  Why? Look if this has anything to do with me yelling at that old lady for using the handicap parking stall, let me assure you that the lying old bit…

Dan: Well, ah, they mentioned your name as a candidate for becoming a Deacon.


My mind clicked into another reality for a moment.  A reality where I wore black with one of those white things in the collar that I have no idea what they mean.  Deacon Parrot. The name would strike awe into the hearts of those around me.  A spiritual leader of the flock.  I would wield unmitigated power in such a way that lightning would go off when I walked in a room even if it was pure sunshine outside.  I would be at the head of the table. First dibs on the communion bread.  The finest women of the chur…

Dan: Hello?

DP: Sorry, I kind of faded out there for a second.  It sounded like you said you were asking me to be a Deacon.

Dan: Yes.

Now I had to wrestle with a logical paradox.  I loved and respected my church, yet now it wanted me as a Deacon.  Now to be fair, I’m not a bad guy.  Just a little…well, rough around the edges at times.  Could I still respect a church that wanted ME in a position of authority?

DP: In THIS church?

Dan: That would be the general idea.  Right now you’re doing work for us with this website and have been a member of the church for quite some time.  We thought maybe you would consider joining.

DP: Actually I’m honored.  I always just assumed you had to go to “Deacon-School” or have a charismatic personality.  WAIT! Do I actually HAVE a charismatic personality??  That’s…AMAZING!!  This opens so many doors for me in terms of being an awesome Deacon!  I mean with a little time, patience and some Kool-Aid I’ll be able to…

Dan: Well, we’d like to set up an interview with the elders sometime soon after you get a chance to clear it with your wife.  Then it will be brought before the church.

DP: My wife?  Oh trust me, she’s totally OK with my thirst for power and prestige at the expense of others.  Opposites attract right?  ( wink and a double finger pistol gesture ) So yes, I’d be honored to be interviewed, and seriously, thanks for the offer.

Dan: Don’t mention it there DP.  And Shalom!

DP: Thanks, but like I said before I’m not actually Jewi…sigh…Shalom Dan.

So I drove off in my minivan to tell my wife of the good news.  It was all happening just as it had been foretold long ago…that one day a man would arise from the ashes to lead his people to a new land.

The future of humanity finally has a ray of hope.  Deacon Parrot is soon at hand.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.



  1. M. Patterson

    August 20, 2010 at

    Congrats, DP. Don't worry about being rough around the edges. Next to Jesus, we all are.

  2. Noodles

    August 19, 2010 at

    Maybe with your unmitigated power you can launch a probe into who the jerk is who waits until the church doors open to ungraciously demolish the main bathroom.

    Seriously, who is that guy?

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