REVIEW: Brazil Butt Lift Master Series

It’s been a few weeks since the last Beachbody review and thought maybe it was time to see what lesser known workouts are available using their Beachbody on Demand service.  I hand the iPhone to my wife and with all the trust in my heart, ask her to choose one.  The woman who I have been married to for almost 25 years, is the mother of my 4 kids and still has the body of a twenty-year-old supermodel, passes the phone back to me.  She has made her selection…

Divorce proceedings begin Monday.

What you Need

If my experience with the original Brazil Butt Lift and follow up of YouV2 has taught me anything about Leondro, we’re going to need booze.  Lots of it.  Leondro has traditionally been so crack-happy that I honestly don’t know how to even register his behavior.  As such, it helps to dull the senses.

Fortunately, there are only 4 workouts in this series to perform.  The program came out in 2012 so it’s technically not that old, thus I will review it using my traditional system.  That also means I have to be honest with my readers and once again subject myself to the program.  I hate you all right now, just so you know.

You would do well to obtain a stability ball, a medium set of weights and some ankle weights.  The documentation provided is somewhat useless.  There’s a few tips, a couple before/after photos and some pancake recipes.  Given the journey I was about to undertake, I was honestly hoping for some Liquor Barn discount coupons.

Bikini Body

Time: 30 minutes

If the name is any indication, this shouldn’t be at all degrading for a grown-ass man.

Warm-ups begin with the crew grabbing the blue-balls.  Stability balls to be more specific.  After that we get to work using dumbbells performing upper body exercises such as bicep curls and presses.  I recommend seriously increasing the weight as the cast is using next to nothing, and the wide smiles show it.

The frequent video cuts to a couple ladies performing the moves at a beachhouse seems out of place.  Do women in general want to gawk at young vixens in their prime?  Even most men are not going to endure this workout for cheap eye candy because despite the rumors, most of us have limits.  It’s something that has a hard time appealing to anybody in this format.

Higher and Tighter

Time: 30 minutes

Not sure how high I truly want my butt to ride.  But I suppose a tight ass always comes in handy when stuck in traffic after eating a box of bran muffins for breakfast.

This workout advises ankle weights for the series of leg-lifts that will be performed.  Kidding aside, this one will go after the backside with precision.  Sadly, instead of using terms like “glutes” or even“rear”, Leondro uses the term “bum-bum”.  I quite literally stopped everything I was doing at that point and maybe even died a little inside.

Ipanema Booty

Time: 35 minutes

Squats, lunges and leg lifts are used to go after the legs today.  If one decided to add a little bit of beasty weight, this could really be a decent half hour of leg work.  Just please, stop describing a woman’s hind quarters like a five-year-old.

Bonus: Cardio Canivale

Time: 30 minutes

Well, I guess this is where my testosterone levels finally bottom out like a shipwreck hitting the ocean floor.

So I’m twirling around like a drunken bear in a ballet recital until I get to the part where I have to shake my chest.  While I understand why ladies would want to do a little boob-shuffle ( Heck, if I could swap bodies with a woman for a day it’d be all I would do ), there is no way hell I’m going to shake my “tits” at Leondro.  If I haven’t driven the point home, the entire dance routine is very, very geared towards women.  Twirls of the arms, legs, booty shuffles and chest shakers.  If we can force detained terrorists to endure this, I guarantee they will talk.

Suddenly it dawns on me what the core problem is: I’m not sure Leondro can dance.  Or at least not in a way that makes any sense.  I mean, yeah, he’s twirling and moving a lot but this stuff ain’t going to impress anyone at the next bar-mitzvah.  This reminds me of when I tried “dancing” with the ladies back when I was nineteen and testing the limits of Canadian mating rituals.  Let’s just say, young John Paul wasn’t going to take home the dancing trophy ( or the girl for that matter ) by doing his best seizure impressions to C+C Music Factory.

CONCLUSION

It is with a heavy heart that I have to drop the hammer on Leondro once more.  I understand there may be a perception that I’m being a dick to the guy, but you have to give me something to work with.  Leondro is probably a heck of a nice guy in person but sweet Judah Maccabee, he just seems like he’s popped back one too many happy pills once the cameras start rolling.  His face is just locked in one expression like a bag of oatmeal with eyebrows.

The success of a workout series relies heavily on the charisma of the trainer and I’m afraid Leondro is struggling here.  I just don’t know how to get excited about a guy who comes off as a Brazilian Yakov Smirnoff and smiles in a way that makes me feel he wants to eat my liver with some fava beans.

If you really liked Brazil Butt Lift, then I guess I could recommend this, but only if you have BOD since it’s part of the catalog.  Purchasing this separate at full price is lunacy.  If you truly want to learn dance fitness, then I’d probably recommend CIZE since it’s significantly more structured.  Not to mention less creepy.