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Urban Disaster Survival: WASTE MANAGEMENT



Things just haven’t been the same since the comet, or zombies, crop failures, or HBO went out.  Sure, you’re set for food, and you have a pumpkin cannon howitzer on your front lawn.  You are now in control of your piece of turf, and with any luck now have your neighborhood in subjection to your rule.  But now you could sure use some time to “see a man about a horse”.  No problem, just grab a magazine and…

…oh crap.

You see, once the employees abandoned their posts ( or got eaten ) at the city waterworks, you now have no water, which also means no functioning toilet.   I guess our only option is to grab a shovel and head on outside right?

The problem is in Part One of this series, we rendered your entire yard a garden/chicken coop.  So digging a hole here and there may work for about a week, or maybe one afternoon if it was spicy lentil curry the night before.  Ideally a composting toilet would rock right now, but while the plumbing store was being looted you thought it best to steal a plasma TV.  Good call. Idiot.

So what are your options?


We’ve all been there.  A lovely family road trip that takes a turn for the worse as you desperately try to find a bathroom on the lonely patch of road.  Wait!  You see a roadside outhouse.  Salvation! You stop, run inside, and just as quickly exit.  You instead make the executive decision to soil yourself rather than take your chances with the petri-dish of horrors inside.

Yet despite their unappealing nature, outhouses will eventually become the best option in an apocalyptic scenario.  You can sit, close a door, and leave it all behind you.  They do however take some time to construct, so maybe lay off the dried prunes until you at least have the hole dug.

PROS: One stop shopping.

CONS: You’ll be reminded of Mexican fahita night for weeks.


What do you do when Dad is building the outhouse and is hunched over, dry-heaving from digging only two shovelfuls of dirt?  You grab an old shopping bag, a pail, and leave your dignity behind.

Crazy you say?  I had my sewer main go recently, and a family of 5 got very well aquainted with this form of personal humiliation.  The problem that will arise however, is disposal.  The solution to that was easier than I could have ever imagined.  First, equip your car with at least 15 air fresheners, and go for a late night drive to a safe place to leave your contraband.  I sought out a company of whom I have a personal grievance, and threw it over the fence.  That GE, is for selling to the Iranians.

PROS: Quick and portable.  Disposal is a great way to make a political statement.

CONS: Awkward glances from family members for years to come.


You’re on the run.  Wasteland bikers have taken over your property due to your lack of foresight.  But you can’t go one more step until you answer the call of nature.  Now while there’s something to be said for efficiency, sanitation is severely compromised.  Since the internet got so popular, there just are not as many newspapers blowing in the wind that would be handy right now to finish up.  That is why I highly recommend owning the entire Twilight book series just for this occasion.

PROS: Nothing like roughing it.

CONS: That soft, gentle leaf was actually poison ivy.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.



  1. Dysfunctional Parrot

    April 22, 2010 at

    I like how your mind works!

  2. M. Patterson

    April 22, 2010 at

    I'm surprised you didn't dual-use the pumpkin cannon for waste disposal.

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