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B.S. REVIEW: Trojan Pleasure Charged

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I would never lie to you and call myself a “copulation expert” in the professional sense, but I know a thing or two about the Humpty Dance ( wink ) y’know what I’m saying? ( nudge nudge ).  I’ve been married 17 years and I would call myself pretty damn proficient with the great woman of whom I am a husband too.  It is that lifelong monogamous commitment that has given me the hands on, graphic, and occasionally “that got weird didn’t it?”  inside track at determining whether products aimed at the adult consumer are worthwhile, or a steaming load of crap.

trojan boxBut every now and then there’s one for the books.  Thus I present Trojan Pleasure CHARGED.  For the couple with caviar tastes.

With my 4 children as living testaments, I stand undefeated when it comes to testing prophylactic quality control.  Trojan traditionally has been a trusted brand name.  So in a sense the product should hold up to “ballistics tests” even if the science behind it’s latest nutritional feature is undeniably laughable.

So what’s the big deal?  The sales pitch is that these suckers have special lubricant that is “intensified” with L-Arginine, Maca and Ginger.   I’m no dietician, but I’m pretty sure the optimal way to get these beneficial nutrients into your body is not by having them put onto laytex.  It’s like finding someone with scurvy and rubbing an orange on his tally-whacker.  Interesting but clearly not the way oranges were intended to pass on their benefits.

The advertising department also tells us that these are so awesome that they use the “O-word” right on the front packaging to sell them up.  I’m now wondering if Trojan Inc. knows what that word means if they use it in that context.  Technically that means the average guy should be able to shave about 10 minutes off the bedroom time because he’ll be done quicker than usual.  That’s actually a bit of an inconsiderate move if you ask me.

couple
Ok, let me just get this thing on and...hey...what the??...EEEEEAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!

While intimate relations with your spouse can range from destroying a hotel room, bite marks or the other extreme of “I’d rather step on a rusty nail than touch you”, the one thing that has never entered the equation is whether vitamins and minerals applied to latex will change things one way or the other.  But the way this is marketed you’d swear that rolling this piece of chinese made laytex over your John Thomas would give you the prowess of a jackhammer and the ability to play major league baseball with your hands tied behind your back.

It’s hard to explain just who thought the optimal way of getting healthy nutrients into your body was by applying them to the one-eyed trouser snake, but all evidence points to 100% marketing and 0% based on any health benefits.  Sorry, but if you run out to buy these then clearly you need to call your Dad and have another fishing trip.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

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