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Rant: Food Prices



Another day, another waltz through the grocery store.  I remember a time when I ran on cheap macaroni and ground beef.  Now if I don’t get my triple kale protein smoothie every morning, I run the risk of being in the evening news for vehicular manslaughter.

I look down at my three kids, age 7, 5 and 2.  The oldest, my son, eats about as much as a professional wrestler.  I look at him and say, “You’re costing me a lot junior.” The little punk just gives me a wink and says, “You haven’t seen anything yet Dad.”.

Wait a a second…did I just get owned by a seven year old?   The student truly is becoming the master.

Suddenly, an ear piercing shriek awakens my ninja reflexes.  For a moment, I thought my 5 year old daughter took a running jump into the pickle jar shelf ( she does these sorts of things )…but no, it was my darling wife.

“What it is hon?!  A human finger in the pickled onions jar?  Are those damn dwarves back?  And hey, if our kids learned a cuss word I can tell you right $#@ing now that I had nothing to…”

“This can of beans used to be 89 cents.  Now they’re $1.29.

It was like someone had punched me in the gut, put me on a roller coaster and then forced me to watch “Look Who’s Talking”.

I’m a chronic “fix-it” kind of guy, so I comforted my wife.

“Honey, I’m so sorry.  Look, would it make you feel better if I called the store manager to lure him into the back and kill him?”

She smiles, considers my offer for a moment, then reluctantly declines.  What a classy woman.

It seems every year around this time, food prices go up.   And every year my wife finds new ways to feed a family of pseudo-vegetarian, organic, kosher hippies with gluten and lactose intolerances, on an ever tighter budget.  Koala bears have simpler diets.  We have however, found ways to beat the system.

What is becoming an increasingly vital part of our family survival, we are avid urban gardeners.  But what sort of sucks is our growing season.  We live in Edmonton, Alberta, and let’s just say the banana plantation here is having a difficult go at it.

To get things a bit of a head-start, my basement has row after row of grow bulbs and seeding trays with everything from corn, tomatoes, carrots, lettuce, kale, chards, peas…  I’m expecting a police drug raid any day now.

Starting today, I planted some stuff in the greenhouse.  My two year old is great in that she makes a simple 5 minute task last at least an hour.  But she’s good company.  Once done my older two come around the corner and ask for a snack.

“Well guys, according to this seed package, your appetite will have to wait 55 days.” They only look mildly impressed.

Finally we all go inside where my wife once again has found a way to feed us crazy souls.  But it won’t be long before we’ll be eating fresh out of our own backyard.

So up yours SuperStore.

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

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