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Conficker Worm To Kill Internet. I Wish.

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Oooohhh, this time its different people! The media outlets are telling us to be afraid, so very afraid! I’ve already got my beans and ammo and a case of gold ( well, gold painted lead anyway ) to ride out the approaching apocalypse!

Malware creators love to target April Fool’s Day with their wares, and the latest worm, called Conficker C, could be one of the most damaging attacks we’ve seen in years.  It’ll make Y2K look like nothing actually happened at all!  Wait…

Technology experts ( aka. People who have no idea how to set their clock radios ) are telling us this could be the big one that has the potential to drop the internet. We should be so lucky.

Take it from a guy who works in news media AND Information Technology…your Mac is going to be fine. What? You’re running Windows?? Oh man, you’re screwed.

But thanks in part to a quarter-million-dollar bounty on the head of the writer of the worm, offered by Microsoft, security researchers are aggressively digging into the worm’s code as they attempt to engineer a cure or find the writer before the deadline. I’d personally invest that money into the development of an operating system that doesn’t totally suck, but I guess Apple has that base covered already.

Should the internet suffer a fatal blow, we can all rest assured that company productivity will go up, people will seek out friendships instead of resorting to Facebook, newspapers will once again become relevant, and Playboy subscriptions will skyrocket in the absence of internet smut.

So don’t fear the worm. Embrace it! Instead I recommend removing all anti-virus software from your home PC. While you’re at it, remove it from your work PC as well. Trust me, the IT staff is cool with it.

Do your part to usher in a new and promising utopia!

John Paul Parrot ( aka. The Dysfunctional Parrot ) is a disgruntled Systems Analyst who wanders the Canadian wastelands saving small villages with the power of Kung Fu.  His chair is also a little too close to the twenty year old microwave.  As you can well imagine, this has had certain side effects.

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